Was today productive?
In small ways, I suppose it was.
I took care of my tax returns...
It was not what I wanted, but I think we may have it figured out to where it will be okay.
I also really want to take a moment (again) to thank Turbo Tax for not only giving me the option to check that Elijah had passed away, but then also being really gently with their responses and offering their condolences on more than one occasion.
I was originally going to use HR Block, as I have for many years now, but when I went to enter Elijah's information there was nowhere to report that he had been born and passed away in the same year.
All I could do was add him as a dependent this year, and then next year I would have had to "delete" him from my dependents list.
I could never do that.
Anyways, this afternoon was kind of like Friday night for the kids since they have a four day weekend this week...so I took them to Hollywood Studios to ride a few rides and watch the Star Wars fireworks.
It was a good night. But I though of Elijah the WHOLE TIME.
I imagine holding him on rides. I imagine bouncing him on my lap and finding myself wanting to point things out to him...sometimes I feel him there. I just feel his presence...I just wish I could feel his body...and I just wish he was here.
I always wish he was here.
So last night I blogged about wanting a baby (sometimes)...or really just wanting Elijah back and I dreamed about having a baby.
Poor dream baby. I kept thinking it was ugly, and I kept comparing it to Elijah and it was never good enough. I could not connect with it no matter how much I wanted to. It was another boy, and at some point I do remember looking at his face, and he morphed into this beautiful little baby, but I guess I couldn't accept that, because I was very negative about the whole situation...
I don't know. It was weird...and kind of sad.
But it was just a dream.
....
Oh...before I go to bed...I'm not going to go into details on this, but just know that all of my The Love, Elijah Project attempts are pure as pure can be. I just want to help other people in Elijah's memory. I don't make any money at all off it. Any money I have received has been spent on website fees, post office box fees, boosting posts to make sure they are read, and the holiday remembrance tree. I put my own money into this and I am not made of money by any means, so sometimes I need some help....that is why there are t-shirts for sale on my website. I haven't sold more than 11 of them, so I promise you I am not rolling in the dough. Also, I thought they would be a nice way to spread Elijah's name and promote our project...
Anyways, my efforts are sincere....the sincerest you can get. I promise you <3
I promised my Elijah we would change the world...and I am going to do just that.
Alright people...goodnight. It's late.
Oh Elijah.
I felt you with me tonight...
I only hope what I was feeling was real and I'm not completely insane.
I miss you so much and wish I could see the boy you should have grown into.
I wish we could share rides and treats and fireworks together.
Maybe one day in heaven.
Talk to Mr. Disney and tell him I would love to see what he has going on up there ;)
I love you my boogie.
Shine down on us everyday.
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