I am trying to break away from the computer, but am drawn to it like a moth to the light...or a closet full of winter coats...not really sure what exactly moths are drawn to...I just know the smell of moth balls usually comes from closets...
Anyways, I am sucked into the computer.
I should step away, but since I am already here, I will blog.
Tonight is the big night for the powerball...again.
I didn't have repetitive numbers on my quick picks this time, but while choosing numbers for the one ticket for Elijah, I added up all the numbers in his birthday and got 26.
That was the common number on most of my powerball tickets last Saturday... "the number of God."
I am not quite as excited as I was Saturday...I feel like I may have just wasted some cash on these tickets....but you can't win if you don't try right?
And today is my mom's birthday so I would to be able to call her and tell her for her birthday I was going to be able to give her anything she wanted to pay her back for being the best mom ever...
(happy birthday mom, I love you)
Anyway, today I was somewhat productive.
I set up an informational meeting for The Love, Elijah Project at The Cagan Crossings Library for February 10th at 6pm....which I am super nervous about.
I also printed our fliers and posted one at the library I just mentioned, and left another at another library across town...
A few people online were really great and printed out fliers too and put them out in different places!
I am hoping this helps.
Today I keep thinking about Elijah and I almost feel like I reverted back to my pregnancy or something...like when he was very much a part of me, just not in my arms yet.
The heartbreaking part is, it is a much longer wait this time....
There is no chance of giving birth to him again. None. I have to literally wait for death of the hope of holding him again.
I think sometimes I have baby fever...but then I just realize how much I want him back.
As much as I want a baby, and would have loved for all the children God could bless us with, we are obviously not in the position to have more children, and it would just be an overwhelming amount of guilt I would carry.
I don't think a new baby would replace Elijah...Julien didn't replace Alex....and Gabriel didn't replace Julien. And Elijah didn't replace Gabriel...
I don't even know how to explain, but I would just be terrified all the time about losing him or her. I would also be scared that people would forget Elijah because of a new baby. I would be afraid that somehow a new baby would take me further away from him some how. I feel like it would almost be a betrayal to Elijah.
But none of this matters, because it would also break Levi's heart, and we really don't need to bring anymore babies into the world while we can't even get out of the hell of being stuck in a hotel room....
Please let me add, I know there are people who do have babies after painful losses, and I think nothing ill of them...I think it is great they are able to add to their families. Babies are beautiful and can bring great joy. And the parents who have babies after suffering a loss are amazing to me. I see such great strength there. I admire them greatly.
I just don't think I have that strength in me...
ANYWAYS....
I am hoping tomorrow we find out why we aren't able to claim our children for the tax credits...because I can't find a reason we shouldn't be allowed to....
I am just sick of worrying about money. I am just sick of worrying period...believe it or not, I would like to enjoy my life at some point....
GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH! LIGHT MY WAY! I NEED YOU!!!!
Just pray guys. Pray for me. Pray for my family. Always always always pray for Elijah.
I don't want to win the stupid Powerball, but I would appreciate a break. I would appreciate a miracle. I would appreciate a turn around.
I am trying so hard to trust and have faith...
Oh sweet sweet boy.
How did I ever lose you?
My heart is so heavy right now.
Even if we won all the money,
it would never fix the pain of losing you.
I thought of this bronze statue today that I would build for you.
I would have you sitting under a beautiful sunflower surrounded by butterflies.
On the wings of the butterflies I would have the names of all your angel friends engraved.
On the sunflower, for all to see, your name would shine.
This is not all I would do for you!
Not even close.
But I am pretty sure it is just a dream,
and I don't want to get my hopes up.
I just wanted to let you know,
that if I do win..
I would not forget you,
and I would help soooo many people in your memory.
The world will never forget you either way.
I love you way too much to let that happen.
I love you my boogie.
<3
Wish us luck!
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