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It is 8:55pm.

As if today wasn't hard enough...we are 45 minutes in a new hotel and I totally left Elijah's bag and his ashes and his blanket in my studio
 :(

We are only here for tonight...but the reality is I will always be away from him.

I left him.

I can't believe it.

I feel awful.

I know Elijahs ashes are just what remains of his body, but it is all I have left of him and I can't help but feel guilty. I had him cremated so he could go wherever we go...and today I failed him.

That is why I am blogging for the second time today...I needed to find some way to spend that time with him.

I needed to tell him I am sorry and I care.

I care so very much.

And no matter if I have his ashes with me or not, he is always in our hearts ( as Gabriel always reminds me).

But honestly...right now...none of this really makes me feel better.

I'm just ready for us to have a home to keep him and a place where I feel comfortable leaving him when I have to....

Just please pray tonight for me. Pray for my family. And always always always pray for my Elijah.

Oh Elijah I am so so so so so so so sorry...
I cant believe I left you that awful day and I can't believe I left you today. I feel awful. Your dad made me feel a little better reminding me that you are at the closest thing we have to have to a home right now...

But I still feel like the worst mom in the world :(

I love you I swear.