7 months and it feels like yesterday....
7 months and it feels like an eternity...
7 months and it has not gotten easier.
Deep breath......
I am tired. My soul is tired.
I have worked my ass of today trying to put together our Day Camp webpage and video posting.... And the video only had 11 views.
I posted a new Love, Elijah blog and I have barely gotten a few likes...
I have raised less than $20 in the last 3 days and I want to cry.
I almost just want to give up.
Tonight is not over and I still have stuff to do, but all the busy work in the world can't keep my mind off Elijah not being here and how unfair it really all is.
I can't help but sulk about still living in and out of hotel rooms, even though I had been staying so positive lately.
But right now I am just laying here in the bathtub crying my eyes out because I don't know what to do anymore...
I miss him so bad...and I still have so far to go.
I feel hopeless.
Should I just give up now? Is that what I am supposed to do? Is this just another door shut in my face?
And if I'm not supposed to give up...how am I supposed to keep going?
Someone please tell me, because I feel like I have pulled all I can out of the people who care, and the people who don't care are just not going to care anyway....
And I don't have the means to do this completely on my own.
Maybe I should have never even started...
Maybe all this crap about starting before your ready that use to motivate me is all a load of crap and I am just crazy for even trying.
I don't know....but sulking and rambling don't fix anything or bring Elijah back...a nd I am really sorry you had to read all of that.
I guess all I can do is keep asking for prayers. I know I am not the only one in the world hurting, but my world is a pretty big mess right now and I need some sort of miracle.
And always Pray for my Elijah.
Oh sweet boy for once I would like to see you in my dreams again and know it is you. I miss you so much. I don't know how we keep going. I honestly dont. Some days, like today feel like I am starting all over without you and it has been 7 months!!!
GOD!!! I just want you back. I should be holding you. I shouldn't be sitting here wondering why this happened to us... I hate it.
I am falling apart all over again....Shine down on me boogie. I love you so much....I promise.
Everything you're doing for Elijah is beautiful. Even if you don't continue your projects, you're still a wonderful mom and a kind soul in this world. If you're feeling exhausted, please remember to take time for yourself. It's okay to take a break, it doesn't make you a failure. And it's okay to admit that you've been through an awful time, that things have been impossibly hard. It's not complaining, it's grief and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with it. You deserve more recognition for your efforts. I guess the thing is, it's hard to get people's attention these days. It doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong or that you should stop. But please don't be so hard on yourself, and remember how valuable all of your kind acts are. Elijah only lived on Earth for three months, yet his life has resulted in happiness for people who never even met him. His life mattered, it brought positivity to this Earth and that's thanks to you. Don't ever doubt the power you have through kindness. I am going to do something kind in the next few days (not sure what yet but I'm sure an opportunity will come) and it will be in Elijah's name! Thanks to Elijah, something good is going to happen in Canada, happiness will be spread in his name.
ReplyDeleteKelly, I have never lost a child. I have never lived in a hotel, I have never began such a huge, huge project. But I am a mom and I know how overwhelming just that can be. And I have had two friends who lost children. One mother never accepted her sons death and lived the next 30 years all for him(even though she had other children, other grandchildren, and a living husband. She spent most everyday at the cemetary or on her kneeler praying for her dead child. She grieved him at the expense of her other children and grandchildren. She died an unhappy, bitter woman who had missed out on so many precious times with her family who was alive
ReplyDeleteMy other friends life also changed. She never forgot her son who died, she frequently lit candles, donated time, and money to various events in the name of her child who died. But she did these things after her families needs were met. They knew their mother missed their brother but they knew they came first. They knew that they brought their mother joy. I know you are doing your best but you will not survive if you don't step back and reevaluate. You can still do good in his name but don't let that goal take you away from your first goal--your husband and children. Give up your time schedule and just wrap your arms around your family and hug them tight. You will never forget your baby boy, nor will your family. But if you continue on this path, you could lose your family that is alive and needs you today. I pray for you everyday