The sun is shining brightly outside, and I have only really done one thing I intended to do today.
Today I had a meltdown moment.
I was on my way home from doing laundry at the laundry mat, and I had just given blood as my act of kindness for Elijah...and I was feeling pretty okay.
Then a stupid commercial came on the radio.
The commercial was for a "needless death prevention event."
What the hell? Who was in charge of planning this?
Even if I hadn't just lost a child, this does not sound like something I would want to go to...
Anyways, the commercial went on to talk about some large amount of children who died because of whatever and whatnot...
I honestly don't even know what it said because I was already breaking down half way through it all, and I ended up turning the channel.
Seriously?
Like I don't need warnings, or trigger alerts to get through my day to day life, but how friggen' insensitive could you be? Especially to all of these parents who have lost their children, and have to live with this for the rest of their lives.
Could this not be a Child Safety Event? I mean that is what this is right? Does it really need to be titled a "needless death prevention event?"
Was my child's death needless? ABSOLUTELY...
BUT what child's death is "needed?"
What parent says, "Oh, I need my child to die today."
ALL DEATHS OF CHILDREN ARE NEEDLESS!!!!
Whether by accident, by illness, by cruelty, by nature, by carelessness...it doesn't matter.
Sorry to vent, but it really just broke me down, and I needed to get it out of my head.
And I get the SIDS prevention. I understand safe sleeping habits...but if we are going to be really honest, I had a much different view of SIDS before Elijah passed away and it was a really ugly one. One very similar to these events where the blame is usually just thrown in these parents faces.
I remember standing in the kitchen after putting Elijah down for a nap one day and telling my mom how I have no ideas how babies get rolled over by their parents. And how on earth could parents just let their children smother in their sleep? That was my view on SIDS. It was just careless parenting.
Little did I know that SIDS would later rob me of Elijah's life and I would be on the other side of it all.
(By the way SIDS means Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, nowhere in any of that is the word suffocation.)
Now, I can honestly say, I don't think SIDS parents should be the shining example of bad parenting. Because I know first hand, that my husband and I are not bad parents.
Yes, there are cases of accidental suffocation that could have been or can be prevented...I am not denying that.
However, after losing Elijah and doing a lot of reading, I think there is something much deeper to SIDS.
I know that Elijah was extremely strong and knew how to pick up his head and turn it. I know that he appeared extremely healthy. Something in his body didn't tell him to move his head to the side, or something in his body had to have stopped working...there is something more there.
Right now there are doctors working on this trying to figure it all out.
There are people who know that there is something else that causes this. Sadly, they just haven't figured it out yet...
I promise Elijah was very loved by both his parents, and I promise you that I went through every precaution I went through with all my other living children to keep him safe. And even though I think we could have made better choices that day...I don't think that Elijah's death was because we were just careless or uneducated fools.
Maybe we could work on a better approach to this? Maybe there is another way to address SIDS? I don't know...but I am so thankful that there are doctors out there trying to figure it out instead of pointing fingers and playing the "blame game."
I am glad that I have people reading my blog and I have a platform to talk about this.
But I am so sad that SIDS is even a thing and that countless parents still have to suffer with no real answers as to why their child just suddenly had to leave them.
Anyways, moving on to another gripe (might as well get them all out right?)
I came back to the studio this evening to be productive and to finish this tax exempt application, only to read the fine print on the form they sent me saying that they don't actually send my application into the IRS for me, which is precisely what I thought I was paying them for. So, I wasted all this time on this...and now I am asking for a refund.
Luckily, the do have a satisfaction guarantee, so I think I will be able to get the money back, but that doesn't mean I don't feel like an idiot and am totally frustrated right now...
And we still don't have a single application for the summer camp we are trying to hold, and I have no idea what to do about fundraising because everything I was counting on seems to be falling apart...
So needless to say, it has been a hard day. :(
I just want so badly for things to work out and to be able to help other grieving parents...
So pray. Send positive thoughts. Send lots of love...
I could use it all.
And always, pray for my Elijah.
Look at this sweet face. How are you not with me? How did we get here? This is still so unfair.
I know where you are, it is lovely. I know you have peace, and believe me I am so happy for you. But that does not change the fact that every single day without you is a struggle.
And not because I want it to be. Not because I am not trying. It is simply because you and me aren't together and I won't see you for a long long time. It is such a deep love and deep pain that most people can not wrap their heads around it...
Yes your death was needless, but your life was so full of love.
I love and miss you so much my boogie....never doubt that. <3
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