Happy Birthday Elijah

It is 11:22pm.

Today is Elijah's first birthday.

Somehow we survived....but it was not easy.

Thank you to those of you who took the time to wish Elijah happy birthday or who did an act of kindness in his memory. You are what got us through today, and I mean that.

I want to share the story of the morning Elijah was born.

We were staying at my grandparent's house with my mom and my grandfather who was in hospice care.

I woke up around 4:30ish and I was so uncomfortable...and then I started to have the urge to pee like every 3 seconds, but nothing was coming out. I knew something was up, even though I had never experienced this in labor before. I remember crying because I just wanted to pee and for it to stop.

This went on for a while.

I told Levi I was getting my bag together and to be ready...and then I went and told my mom so she went and gave my grandfather his coffee and went and hopped in the shower.

While she was in the shower, I had one big contraction and I told Levi we had to go...

I don't know why this is so vivid in my mind, but I remember that my grandfather dropped the coffee all over himself while my mom was showering and we were trying to get ready.

Anyways, we told my mom and she handled everything from there...including getting the kids to the last day of VBS.

On the way to the hospital the contractions were getting super close together, but they weren't very long.

Levi asked if I was sure if I was ready, because with 2 of our kids I was sent home from the hospital because I had gone too soon.

But this time, I knew for sure he was ready...and it would be quick.

We went to check into the hospital.

Because Louisiana was so slow to process our medicaid, I had not went to the doctor the last month or so of my pregnancy, and the hospital had no paper work done on me, so they had to fill out some forms or something...I don't know, at this point I was in pain... the contractions were getting more and more painful. So I gave the lady at the registration desk my license and they took me to the triage.

They checked me, and sure enough I was ready to be brought back to delivery.

Because I had not seen a doctor, they had to take blood for test.

The nurse read my name off the label to check and make sure it was mine, and it turns out they had registered my middle name as my last name, so we were now at a standstill....which meant I had to wait for an epidural too.

But Elijah was not waiting for an epidural. It was time.

I remember screaming because the contractions were so painful.

And the midwife told me the best way to get rid of them was to just deliver.

So I agreed.

But not without crying and whining about how scared I was.

I was terrified.

My last delivery I had complications, and I had never delivered without pain meds before.

But the nurses and midwife were very encouraging and helped me through it.

I remember the first push I just screamed and I don't even think I actually pushed.

After that, I was ready and in just a few pushes, I felt the ring of fire, and then I got really tired. I wanted to give up.

But I pushed through and then all of a sudden they were laying this beautiful baby boy on my chest.

And there he was. Perfection.

I remember skin to skin and how I was so happy and still kind of in shock that I had delivered without medicine.

I remember crying when they took him away from me that first time.

I remember him in his little paper gown and his hat. He loved to be wrapped tight. He loved to be held.

I loved him so much.

My mom got there after all of the delivery. This was the first one she didn't make it to, but it certainly wasn't her fault...it just happened so fast.

It was donut day. Everyone brought us donuts.

The hospital had awesome room service with good pizza and Dr. Pepper. and we watched HGTV.

Elijah stayed with us about 90% of the time we were at the hospital.

He was such a good baby.

And today has hurt so bad. Going through that memory now was like pouring salt in an open wound. I just don't understand why my child, who I loved very much, had to leave us...

I guess we will never know.

But I can barely breathe right now, so I am going to end this and go lay down. It has been a really long and hard day when it should have been a sweet and silly day.

Please pray for me. Pray for my family. And always pray for my Elijah.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday sweet Elijah

Happy birthday to you.

You dad got you a batman toy and I got you a book.

Your brothers sang to you..

We did all that we could bring ourselves to do...

But I wish we could have done so much more.

I love and miss you so much and I wish we could just go back.

Oh how I wish we could just go back.

Happy birthday sweet boy. 

Hope you had a beautiful day.