Monster

It is 11:15pm

I feel like a monster.

I feel like someone has just ripped all the happiness out of my body right now and stuck me right back in that moment where I lost Elijah and I am just stuck there.

I tried to run from it all today.

I brought the kids on another hike for Elijah, which I will post pictures of later this week.

It was hot, and it was a short hike. The little ones are not fans of hiking, but I made them do it anyways. We say a baby tortoise, but the trail itself wasn't the most impressive....but it could also be the mood I'm in today.

After that we went to the beach.

The weather was perfect, the water was warm, and the waves were pretty nice.

It brought me a little bit of peace for a moment, but on the drive home I just kept thinking about Elijah and how much this is all so unfair.

I don't know what to say, but I hope that I can get out of this funk enough tomorrow to spread some joy in Elijah's name, because that is how he should be remembered...not by his mom's depressing "blah-ness" state she is in right now.

I just don't know how we are supposed to do this year after year after year.

Why can't I just have him back? I just want him back.

I want to wake up in the morning, scoop him up in my arms and sing him happy birthday. But, sadly miracles like that don't happen, so here I am....just waiting to be united with him one day in heaven.

But will he still be a baby? I'm sure he grows up right? And I have to miss ALL of it. His first words, his first steps. ALL OF IT!!!!

It feels like it is all a million miles away.

It feels like I just can't win.

I just don't know how to handle all of this.

I don't know how to handle my life...Elijah's death...our shitty housing situation...my anger...any of it.

And you know what, I have been doing so good at keeping myself from going crazy, but these last two days have just made me so bitter and cold. So angry, and it is not me.

I was going to buy a lottery ticket tonight, as if I would actually win, but I gave it away to charity so anger hasn't completely stole my heart I guess. Or if it has, it hasn't stolen my need to keep Elijah's legacy of kindness pure.

I just need to sleep. I don't want to sleep the day away tomorrow, I want to make it count.

Just pray. Pray for me. Pray for my family. Pray for everything. But always always, please pray for my Elijah.

Hi sweet boy.

Please know that none of my anger is directed at you. 

How could it be? 

You gave me some of the happiest days of my life.

I miss you so much my boogie.

I am so so sorry.

I wish I could be with you tomorrow.

I wish you could be with all of us.

This sucks so bad.

I love you

<3