Venting... (bad parenting day)

It is 12:58pm and I am done with this day.

(yeah it is going to be a two blog day)

I woke up positive this morning. I was going to change things. I was going to be better.

Better at my personal health.

Better at active parenting.

Better at The Love, Elijah Project.

Just Better.

However, whatever ugly force in the world there is, is just not giving me a break today and right now I am shaking I am so mad.

There is some kind of saying that when you are close to something big, the devil always finds obstacles to throw in your way.

Well, I don't like blaming the devil for crap, because I feel like to many people use it as a crutch or as an excuse, but if it is the devil then screw him.

The only hope I have in this stupid belief is that it means I am on the verge of something great.

But if that is the case, then why can't I just have my something big?

I have had enough friggen obstacles.

I DONT NEED THIS "DEVIL." TAKE YOUR OBSTACLES ELSEWHERE I HAVE ALREADY ENDURED ENOUGH.

GOD! PLEASE JUST STOP THIS MADNESS!!!

Please.

It all started this morning when I went for a jog.

I have been eating healthier all week and I have cut out candy and soda and I have really been trying hard to take care of myself, but I have not been very active, so I decided to take a run.

I knew I was going to walk, but I really wanted to push myself as hard as I could to run.

I ran the first 1/2 mile and then I took a small walking break...

I came around a construction area, and had decided to run again when I crossed a beautiful lady jogging with her lady in a stroller and it just killed me. I got so angry and I couldn't do it...I couldn't run anymore.

I tried a few times, but I just didn't care enough.

I stopped at a little walking bridge that goes over a running brook.

I did my 20 second plank, and then I decided I was going to push myself and run again...

Until I crossed the street, and this perfect lady passed me again with her baby in the stroller.

Not only did she still have her baby, she was one hell of a runner and had literally ran a circle around me.

So I walked.

On my walk back I found a little heart shape leaf and it made me think of Elijah so I picked it up.

Then I found a rusty penny in the parking lot, and pennies are supposed to be a sign from your loved ones in heaven so I picked it up and thought about how even though the penny was rusty, it still was equal in value with every other penny...and I felt better.

So I made a instagram/facebook post about it, and while I was scrolling through Facebook I found a cool idea about reading around the world with your kids.

I thought it was great, and I have been looking for something to make me dive back into active parenting again, because no matter how hard I try, lately I have just been passive and really just meeting basic needs.

I mean, please don't read this wrong, I love my children and they know that...and I am involved in their lives, just not to the extent I was before Elijah passed away...

So I decided we would start our Africa week today and we were going to the library, all the way across town, and get books...

I had told the kids we would do the reading and listen to music, make arts and crafts and even play african games and make some sort of african food...

They were not pleased at all.

But for some reason I thought maybe if we went to the library and got out of here, it would change their mind...so I drove 30 minutes to the library.

On the way, I even told them if they behaved we would go to Animal Kingdom Lodge and see the African Art and even see the animals, but for whatever reason they thought this was a boring idea too so they started to complain.

So I pulled over the car and told them that complaining gets you nowhere, so we would just all sit there in the car until we could get our acts together....and then they did for a little bit and we continued our drive to the library.

We discussed the proper behavior at the library before we got out of the car, and we all agreed that we would behave.

Then we got in the library.

At first we were doing ok, except this lady with an infant strapped to her in swaddling, and her perfectly behaved children were hogging the "card catalog" computer, and when they stepped away The Librarian told me I couldn't use it...then I became stressed...

(Please don't think that I have a problem with people who have babies or well behaved children...I don't, for whatever reason today it was just a trigger for me.)

Then the kids decided to not listen to a single word I said, or do anything we had agreed on in the car and they were all over the place.

But I decided to just push through all my anxiety and find some books and we were going to have a good day someway or another...

I couldn't find more than 2 books on Africa that looked like something the kids would be interested in, and I couldn't look up anything either.

So finally I broke, and I took the 2 books to the librarian and at this point I was in tears because of how horrible the boys decided to be.

Then the librarian starts to tell me I have a book still out from the last time we checked out books, which has to be garbage, because I returned all the books. But I just started weeping uncontrollably and told her, "Never mind, I don't have time for this today."

Then I proceeded to look like a crazy woman as I scooped Gabriel up and told the other kids we were leaving.

Gabriel screamed and cried until we got in the car.

I lost it.

I yelled at them and told them I didn't want to hear one word out of their mouths...

And then I cranked up the music and drove--wishing we hadn't have ever left this morning.

Then we came "home" and I put the little two in bed and told them to lay their in silence because they are in trouble, and I made Alex read--just sadly not about Africa.

AND THEN, Gabriel and Julien decided this would be a fun time to start giggling and playing instead of just listening, so I went in there and tried over and over again to get them to stop, to which they told me I am a mean mom and they hate me.

I know they don't mean it--they are just mad, but it hurts me because they have no idea how much I love them and how important they are to me.

And they certainly don't know how much this hurts.

Levi is home now and is talking to them and getting them to nap, but I feel like they are never going to listen or respect me.

I have tried everything.

I have even started to change their diets.

I don't ever lie and say they are well behaved kids.

They are "good kids" and they have good hearts, but they have such a wild streak that it overwhelms me sometime.

And I don't want them to lose their wild spirits, I just want them to learn when to listen, and when to be calm...and dealing with all of this and grieving the son who will never go through all of this is so hard.

I really just wish we had our books and were at Animal King Lodge looking at art and animals right now.

I tried...I really did.

Maybe I will just go to the bookstore and find some books to read tonight.

Maybe they will learn something from today about their behavior...

But the transition from passive parenting to more present parenting is not been an easy one.

It is just a hard day...I know this.

I am just tired of the hard days.

I'm going to take a deep breath, and go wipe off my face, and go to the bookstore.

It may not be the beginning I wanted, but we are going to start reading around the world whether they like it or not.

And I am always their mother, whether they like it or not.

I'll be back later today to let you know how it all goes...just pray for me because today has been a doozie, and it is only lunch time.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
One Crazy Mom