The Death Certificate

It is 11:11pm.

Today = Numbness.

Today, after 10 months of waiting, we got Elijah's death certificate.

I thought today I would have a million words to say.

But I just feel paralyzed.

It didn't say anything I didn't know.

Reason for death was unidentified.

It was listed as Sudden Unidentified Infant Death Syndrome.

But what really kills me, is it lists where he died: hotel room.

I hate it.

I hate all of it.

I hate that we were so hopeful before his death even in our homelessness, but since then I feel like it has just swallowed us whole.

I feel hopeless today.

Drowning in everything.

I won't let it defeat me, but today I deserve the right to feel a little bit defeated.

I'm not even going to apologize about being melodramatic.

It is what it is I guess.

I'm just going to sit here and watch some Amazing Race until I fall asleep.

Just PRAY. Pray for the world. Pray for my family. Pray for me. And always always, pray for Elijah.

Oh sweet boy.

I miss you so much.

I wish my words were more beautiful.

I wish my acts of kindness were more grand.

I wish I could have brought you home to a house.

You deserve so much more than I can ever give you.

I love you so much my boogie.

I am just---so sorry.

<3