476: It is Not Selfish

It is 9:02 pm.

Last night was pretty awful. I ended up vomiting a few times and had a pretty bad headache.

And when I woke up I read some little articles about Debbie Reynold's passing. According to these articles, some of her last words were, "I miss her so much. I just want to be with Carrie," and it is possible she could have died from a broken heart.

There are people who doubt that it was broken heart syndrome, because to them it sounds selfish for a parent to pass away broken hearted over one child and leave another child behind.

It is really hard to explain the pain and agony your body goes through when you lose a child. Your body goes into shock and it knows that a part of you is missing. You can't breathe. You vomit. You don't want to eat. It feels like a giant is sitting on your chest. Not to mention the depression, the longing, and the anxiety you go through. It is not just sadness and stress.

And if you are one of those who think it is selfish that she would mourn Carrie so much that she would leave behind her son, just stop...please.....Until you have experienced the pain of losing your child, then you have no idea... I love Elijah's brothers all just as much as I love him. But there were days (and still are days), where I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to live with this heartbreak. It is still hard to breathe and it is still hard to live without Elijah, and I only knew him for 3 months. And that has never meant that I love Alex, Julien or Gabriel less. But, I guess it is one of those things that is hard to explain if you have never experienced it...and I hope to GOD you never experience it.

Anyways, today has been better. No feeling yucky. Just nothing too adventurous or interesting to write about I'm afraid.

We had to drive to Alexandria so I could go to the bank and take care of some discrepancies on my bank account and I also had to order a new debit card.

I haven't written anything new on my novel yet...maybe I will write at least a page before I go to bed. I need to. It won't write itself.

But that is about it.

Anyways, I hope you are all having a good night! Love you all and sending you lots of sunshine and happiness.

Keep praying for our world. Pray for my family. Pray for me. And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.

Hi sweet boy.

You were just the happiest baby.

Everything was so easy with you.

And now life is the complete opposite of easy without you.

I miss you so much.

Love you more.

<3