I hate everything right now.
My dog O.P. (short for Optimus Prime) died today. And not just passed away-- He was ripped to pieces by a neighbor's dog.
He was so small and defenseless and my heart is breaking in to a million pieces.
He was living with my dad and my dad would put him and his other dog out on little leashes in the front yard, and O.P.'s collar broke. He ran down the road and was jumped and mauled by several dogs.
I tried to get the neighbor to apology to Alex, and he was completely remorseless. He even asked me "what do you want from me? To pay for your dog's funeral expenses?" Then he denied that his dogs had anything to do with it. I can not tell you how much anger and rage that brought to me and my body. I am still shaking and I came home and beat the crap out of a tree with a broom handle.
We adopted O.P. a few years ago and he loved me so much. He would run and jump in my arms when I came home from work. He used to cry whenever I would leave his sight. He gave me the best doggie hugs. I love him and miss him so much. I feel so guilty because I feel like I should have never handed him over to the care of my dad, but we really didn't have a choice because we were living in and out of hotels.
And then to top that off it triggers everything in me. And I can't even begin to explain how bad it feels.
I don't want to eat. I am numb. When I am not numb I am heartbroken.
It is much bigger than just O.P. passing away. All heartaches seemed to be amplified after Elijah passed. Everything just seems empty.
I love and will miss O.P. so much, but it scares me. Because I might still have a long life to live and I will have to watch people I love continue to die and unfair things continue to happen. And I am not in a position mentally where I can just shrug it off and say "That's life."
It is so hard.
I can't even put it in words how hard it is. And even when I try, no one seems to know what to say to me anyways.
I don't know.
If you say a prayer for my family tonight, please say a prayer my dad and brother. They both loved and cared for Opie too.
And of course, pray for our world. Pray for my family. Pray for me. And always always pray for my sweet Elijah. (And tonight add my sweet Opie to your prayer list too)
Oh sweet boy. Please give my O.P. a hug. He loves hugs.
Tell him I am so sorry and I really do love him.
I will see both of you one day.
I hope.
Miss and love you so much.
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