500: 500 Days

It is 8:45 pm.

Today it has been 500 days since I last held Elijah.

500 days since he went to Heaven and I had to stay behind.

500 days of heartache and grief.

500 days of wondering why this happened? And why us? And what lesson is supposed to be learned here? And is there really a lesson to be learned? And am I done being broken yet? And can I just have him back now? And when is it my turn to tell the whole world his story? And when and how will I find a way to change the world for him?

It has not gotten any easier. I miss him every single day.

I have learned to crawl through the flames, but I am still in the fire.

There are still moments where I can't breathe. There are still moments where I feel so alone in the world. There are still moments where I don't want to be here.

Half of the time I honestly don't know how I am still here.

My blog has fewer readers, I have less people that actively check in on me. Less people sharing their acts of kindness for him.

It may seem so far away to some, but for me I have moments where I feel like I am right there in that very moment reliving my worst nightmare over and over again.

I am trying very hard to stay positive and to inspire others, but this is a very lonely journey a lot of the time.

My biggest fear is that people will get tired of me talking about it so much that they block me out, only to forget him in the process. I fear this, because it has already happened.

By the way, this was always about him, and not really about me.

My children are more important than anything in the world to me. Elijah included.

Please don't forget him.

If I can't change the world, if I can't do anything big, the only thing I ask is that no one forgets Elijah. He is still my son and I love him soo much.

My heart is breaking all over again today.

I just don't know what to do.

I am in a funk.

I want to be out there and doing big things,

and instead I am sitting here out in the middle of nowhere at a table covered in papers scribbled over with ideas.

Your mom is always good at coming up with ideas...

just not the greatest at putting them in motion.

I feel like I have failed you and it is driving me crazy.

I don't know how to get to the place where I am making a bigger impact.

And it scares me that I may never get there.

I'm sorry Elijah.

I love you and miss you so much.

Just know that I am doing my best,

and that if love alone could change the way things are in the world,

then the love I have for you would have done it by now.

I mean that.

<3