Why am I awake?
I went to bed happy you guys. But now, here I sit feeling like crap seeing Moana songs at the top of my lungs shaking and crying...
I am reading a book that is about a couple who have pulled theirselves out of a really crappy situation by only doing the things they love. And it is so inspiring. The moment they decided to do this was they almost lost their son who was born premie. As he lay their dying, the husband was losing his job because his work place didn't think it was a good enough excuse for him to miss work. His WORK and MONEY was more important to SOMEONE ELSE than his mental health and HIS family.
I am happy to report that the son lived, and even though they met their fair share of struggles they never gave up on each other and after years of failures, they are living on a beautiful island, running a restaurant together, doing the things they love. And they are changing lives with their stories. Including mine.
After my 10th time or so of singing "How Far I'll Go," I think I am starting to calm down and I here is what I want to say.
There are some things in my life that aren't perfect... I am well aware of them. And some of them are financial. Some of them are car issues. I am not writing this to complain about those things. I am well aware of them, but I CAN NOT let them swallow me whole right now, because dammit I have worked so hard to just get to where I am right now. And while I have not fixed everything, I am well on my way to doing what I can to fix them.
I went to be happy tonight, because I was going to earn and extra $20 this weekend and the Harry Potter Camp is looking like it will work out and because sooner or later we will get everything taken care of. Yes WE...my husband and I. The crazy people who are living apart/living in a school bus and working our asses off to make our dreams come true.
Does it come with some stress? Absolutely. My poor husband is skinnier than I have ever seen him before and endures HOURS of physical stress and pain every day; On top of that has called me crying because he misses his family and sometimes just wants to quit and come home. But I push him everyday and I tell him to stay because we have been through enough because he LOVES it and he is WORTH it. And I am so proud of him, and not really concerned with the lack of money we have at this very moment, because in the future he will be coaching young men and women and helping them do what they love and making a difference. And that is more important to me than the struggle we are facing right now.
So dammit, I am THANKFUL for my husband. I am THANKFUL for the houses I clean, because I have found some wonderful people along the way who love me and have been so supportive. And I love knowing that I am helping my family the BEST I can RIGHT NOW.
I am THANKFUL and HAPPY for OUR LIFE. OURS. Not his, not mine...OURS...because that is how marriage works. WE make the decisions that make US content or happy.
And happiness is just that. Being content with where you RIGHT NOW doing the best you can.
I know that there are rules and things that need to be paid and things that need to be fixed and they will be, but why the hell am I up at 4:57 am worrying about it when I went to bed happy?
Because someone else is worried about me. And I am trying to convince myself that is not a bad thing... But you have no idea I hate the word worried. Because worrying really helps no one. It creates stress on both ends. It puts pressure on the person who you are worried about to fix the things you want fixed in your time. It never makes anyone feel better.... I guess I should say that someone cares.
And that is what I am struggling with. I want to appreciate that someone cares, but the stress it is causing me right now is not healthy. So, as I sit here singing another round of Moana, someone else is sleeping better because they said what they needed to say in a Facebook message that woke me up at 4am.
And I am totally responsible for the car not being fixed, and the things that are not taken care of...I am not arguing that. But I also have not forgotten about them.
Ugh. I don't know what to do about this, other than live MY life the best I can and take care of the things I need to take care of as I go.
And breathe.....
I am just going to make a list right now of the things that I am thankful for, because I need a good reminder that I went to bed HAPPY last night.
I am thankful for my husband and our marriage.
I am thankful that Levi is getting to do what he loves, and that he has supported me repeatedly in doing all the things that I love.
I am thankful for a husband who has given up a great deal of his life so that I could try to follow dreams that I have (even if they turned out to be failures).
I am thankful that I can be his wife and believe in him and reassure him that we are doing the right thing and he needs to keep going.
I am thankful that people care about me. (I am. I am. I AM)
I am thankful for the money I am managing to make right now and that my house is a bus that is paid for in full.
I am thankful that I am doing the best I can do right now with the mental state I am in. You have no idea how much strength that takes and how proud of myself I am. (I am so thankful for this right here).
I am so thankful that I have learned that the way other people act and the choices they make really have nothing to do with me. Their happiness is their choice. Their peace of mind is their choice.
I really am thankful for my parent's who have helped me the best they can.
I am thankful for Levi's family who has helped us when they can.
I am thankful for any and all help that we have received.
I am thankful for all the help I have given myself.
I am thankful for all the times I have not had to ask for help.
I am thankful for the abilities I have at this time to make the money I can make right now in the state I am in.
I am so thankful for my husband's mma coach and family who is taking good care of him and believe in him and want him to fight too!
I am thankful for Levi's friends who are helping us out and that we can help them out in little ways like babysitting.
I am thankful for all the days I get to spend with my children--no matter how stressful they can be. Because I have one that I will never get to spend a day with and I am so lucky to have these moments.
I am thankful for the perspective I have on life, because you have no idea how much I cherish every moment now, and how lucky I am to have it.
I am thankful for the support and love of those who love and support us.
I am thankful for the air I breathe. I am thankful for the water I drink. I am thankful for the life that God has blessed me with. Because everyday, no matter how imperfect, is a gift.
I am thankful to be thankful and happy.
I am thankful for the Moana lol, because she is keeping me sane at 5:09 as I type away.
I am thankful for all the failures in my life, because they have led me closer to where I am supposed to be and have taught me so many valuable lessons.
I am thankful for those who are not approving of my life, because they put a fire under my butt to work harder to do the things that I love.
I am thankful for this little booger who woke up to sit with me and talk to me as I sit here typing.
I am thankful that today I will not let my downfalls and car problems rule my life.
I am thankful for the good things that I have.
I am thankful that I can do this and I believe in myself.
I am thankful for a God who is loving and believes in me and gives me great peace.
I am thankful for the simple fact that I am living.
I am thankful for the simple fact that I am living.
I am thankful for the simple fact that I am living.
I am thankful that I went to bed happy.
I am thankful that I went to bed happy.
I am thankful that I went to bed happy.
I am thankful.
Okay, I am feeling better now, except that I really have to pee now.
Time to get Gabriel back to sleep and get some more sleep myself too.
Thank you for reading. I love you all and hope you are sleeping happily right now <3
Thank you.
~Kelly
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