612: Another Story

It is 9:37pm.

Babies. Babies are everywhere.

Everyone is pregnant,  or just had a baby. There are lots of people having rainbow babies...

And I just want to be happy for them.

And I really am happy for them.

But for me--well that is another story.

Yesterday, there were so many beautiful mother's day post with babies and their moms, and it almost made me think that I want another baby.

But the truth is that is not really another baby I want. I just want my baby. I want my Elijah.

I want to fill this void I have of not having him here, and not experiencing all the things a mother should experience watching her child grow from baby to toddler...and so on.

Then I see these large families that I sometimes dreamed of having (even though we have never really been in a place to do so), and I get sad because we will never be that family. I mean 4 kids was a lot. But 4 kids felt wonderful. It felt amazing. I felt like the luckiest mom in the world.

And I am getting older, and this pain just keeps resurfacing. I don't have an eternity to make this kind of decision.

Truth is, I will probably never have another child...

And even more heavy is the fact that I KNOW that I will never have my Elijah back in this lifetime.

UGHH. It sucks.

And I know I have blogged about this very thing before. And I am sorry if I sound like a broken record. And I am not looking for pity or attention. This is just a huge thing I struggle with--not feeling strong enough to have a rainbow baby, and feeling like I will never figure out how to fill the void of losing Elijah.

Anyways, I am going to take a bath, soak in some rose oil, and listen to music. I need to just decompress and escape reality for a while.

Sending you all love.

Thank you for reading.

Please keep praying for our world. Pray for our country. Pray for my family. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.

Thank you!

Hi my sunflower.

Hi my sweet boy.

Hi my Elijah.

I miss and love you more and more everyday.

I don't think that will ever change.

Good night sweet boy.

<3