623: Eeyore

It is 10:22pm.

I just finished helping Julien with an online photoshop class. That he chose to do this evening on his Friday night and I am so proud of him.

It was just and overview of the application, but he was really excited to start learning about it.

It was a nice end to a pretty rough day.

I have a meeting with a counselor next Tuesday, and I couldn't be more ready to just sit down and talk to someone without feeling like a crazy depressing burden. At least this person is paid to listen to weirdos like me all day.

With Elijah's birthday coming up, I am just drowning. And I am trying to hold it all together while trying to hold my family together,  not to mention dealing with some very bright and intelligent but very strong willed and defiant children. Oh and there are other things, that I dare not mention because they might step on some toes...but let it be known that I am under a lot of stress.

And I feel isolated (even when I am not).

I feel like I don't have any friends around here...I don't have anyone who will just sit with me and let me talk without stressing out or judging me or telling me to calm down.

And this is probably mostly because I am scared to death to make new friends. I don't trust many people anymore and I am socially awkward and extremely needy. I would be like the Eeyore to someone who is a Winnie The Pooh.

I am just a mess. And I just expect too much.

Something needs to change, and I know this.

That is why I am seeking help again.

Also today I took really small steps to maybe create some more positivity in my day. I rode Alex's bike this morning, I started to organize an online planner to keep me from being overwhelmed with summer activities, and I walked this evening when the kids were playing at the playground.

I even did some research into ways to help the kids find better activities that matched their interest with the resources I have now.

Because I want to be better. I hate feeling like this.

I guess it is a start.

Just pray that I can hang in there until next Tuesday. And that I can maybe find some kind of help on medicaid for a regular counselor (if there is even such a thing around here).

Please don't forget Elijah's birthday is coming up. June 5th. Do an act of kindness with the hashtag #loveelijah and share it with me or Levi. Thanks.

I just want to make sure no one misses it. Elijah is so important to us.

Alright, the kids have some play ground grand opening tomorrow and it is somewhat early in the morning...so I guess I need some sleep.

I love you guys. Thank you so much for reading my blog.

Please keep praying for our world. Pray for our country. Pray for my family. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.

Thank you.

Oh sweet boy.

I just want you back.

I love and miss you so much.

so so so so so so much.

<3