All I wanted to say today I said in a Facebook post I made early this morning, so I hope you don't mind me just repeating it in my blog tonight:
It is the first day of September. This is the last picture I took of him. In nine days it will be the two year anniversary of the last time I held him. I can't sleep. I have been up since one something. My body knows it is coming. I feel the rage and anger climbing up and down my skin. I feel my muscles tensing and my arms longing to hold the child that is not there. I feel my heart breaking and my mind racing asking a million questions, but mostly just, "Why?" Why? Why? Why? Why? Seriously why the f*ck WHY????? I can't wrap my head around any of it. Why he is gone? Why him? Why us? Why me? And I am wallowing in it. I don't even care if it is unhealthy. I feel like l deserve it right now. I need it. I need to feel this rage and this bitterness, because it is the fuel in my fire. It is the desire within me to rise like a f*cking Phoenix because the only chance the world has of knowing my son is through me. The only way his name and face will be known throughout this world is through me. There is a vortex of love and rage and anger and peace and all of this lives in me. And I cannot hide it and I will not hide it. I will tell you I am fine because I am. But I am also not fine. I can live. I can breathe. I can love. I can take care of my children the best I can and love the hell out of them. I can be the best wife I can to my husband and push him to live his passions because we have to honor this life we have that our son will never get to experience. I can write books. I can appear to be "normal" (whatever that is) to make other people feel comfortable with my well being. I can also break and crumble to little pieces. I can hurt. I can yell and scream and want to die. And I can do all of these things simultaneously. And you may not understand. But that is okay. Because I don't either. I don't--and may never.
I have Nine days to figure out how to honor him on the anniversary of his passing, when I feel like in two years I have had plenty of time to leave some type of life changing legacy in his memory. For his memorial we released sunflowers under fireworks at a lagoon at Walt Disney World-one of the few places we got to take him to in his short life. Last year we went to the beach, watched the sunset, were surprised by fireworks in the distance and then released sunflowers in the ocean as the night grew dark. I can still remember how vivid the fiery yellow orange flowers glowed in the moonlight. This year, I have like $30 to my name, almost no gas in my tank and am a million miles away from where I last held him. I don't have a plan. I feel like a failure. I feel like I should be running a marathon, climbing a mountain and screaming his name to the world, I should be on the cover of People's magazine as the mom who changed the world in memory of her son. But no-here I sit on this cold tile floor, humbly pouring out my heart to you via a long a drawn out Facebook post.
I don't make this post out of pity. I actually can't stand people for people to worry about me. I don't like making people uncomfortable when things get hard. I know you care. I just say these things because they are my reality. And sadly many others share my reality. Talking about it just makes it less painful in ways, and hopefully sheds some light on what grief and depression can feel like. I feel like we just expect people to bury these feelings and they shouldn't. These feelings are too large and too real to be buried. Part of healing is feeling. For me, my words are more powerful than any medicine.
Life is meant to be enjoyed and we are meant to love. And I think one of the greatest gifts Elijah gave me was this fresh perspective of what is truly important. And when you experience a loss this big--all the other "stuff" you once worried about, because so small and trivial. There are people out there carrying tremendous amounts of pain and learning to live a life of love because of and in spite of a tragedy. We are seeing it unfold right before our eyes with this latest Hurricane. And that is what I want. I want this hurricane raging inside me to bring forth a story of love. And I want that love to be felt and known that it comes from my son. It comes from my Elijah.
So today while your out there, be a little kinder, love more, hate less, appreciate what you have a little more, live your life to the fullest, and PLEASE GOD PLEASE hug your children tighter and tell them you love them 100 a times and day and don't EVER take them for granted because they are tiny miracles and you are SO blessed to have them still in your life. And do all of this because of Elijah. All he ever knew was love and happiness, and that is everything I want to share with you.
God bless you all. I love you so much.
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Alright thank you for reading. September is a rough month. Feel free to send extra love.
Please keep praying for our world. Pray for our country. Pray for our families. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for my sweet Elijah!
Thank you. Good night.
-Kelly
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