722: Somewhere Out There

It is 9:18pm

Slipping. I feel it. Slipping.

Today my anger crawled into my skin and then through my head and my mouth. I let it get the best of me as I overreacted over stuff that shouldn't and didn't matter that much.

I am just barely hanging on, and my body is aching. I just hate this month and all it stole from our family--and it wasn't just Elijah. But one tragedy at a time. I am barely making it through this one.

Stay busy--that is how I am surviving--if that is what you call it.

I am me on the outside. The kids need me to be.

On the inside I am stretched in a million different directions. Wondering what could have been, what should have been, and why it all isn't.

Wondering what he would look like--what his little voice would have sounded like as he called me mom. If you want to experience an ounce of what I am feeling, imagine never hearing your kid calling you "mom". ( or dad)

It is an empty feeling...

It is a strange feeling.

Feeling your family around you, feel apart of them, but then feeling so lonely anyways.

Tonight i took Gabriel outside to hunt for frogs, and I caught myself staring at the moon. I remember two years ago, after Elijah's passing laying out in this very yard staring at that moon listening to the song "Somewhere Out There," and bawling my eyes out. I might just go do the same thing now.

I just miss him so much.

Somewhere out there
Beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me
And loving me tonight

Somewhere out there
Someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another
In that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there
If love can see us through
Then we'll be together
Somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true