There have been moments today where I was so sure Elijah was close. A song on Pandora, or just a feeling--I don't know how to explain.
Then there are moments where I ask, "Do I really have to do this?" as it all at once becomes so hard to breathe...
My dad called this morning and we talked for a little while about us coming back tonight and some other stuff. He reminded me that my grandmother actually passed away in September as well. Tomorrow, actually is the anniversary of her passing. I believe it was 2001. I am ashamed to say I don't know for sure. Of course I loved my grandmother very much, and I miss her dearly--but I was still kind of young and honestly very out of touch with the universe and myself when it all happened.
My grandmother was a very sweet lady, who adored dolls and pretty things. She struggled with her own mental illnesses. However, I also know she adored me and my brother and all her other grandchildren. I don't know much about her life, but I know there were some hard times. In her last couple of years of life, she lived either next door to us, or in the same house as my family. My dad took very good care of her and together as a family, we watched as she fought through dementia until eventually she had a stroke that stole her of her consciousness. It was a very hard thing for all of us to go through.
I, being young and stupid, was very angry at times about her having to move in next door and then finally into the house. At one point I was even afraid that I was going to somehow start seeing these hallucinations she was having, and I guess I asked my mom if we could talk to a doctor about the probability of me someday having these same symptoms. The doctor put me on antidepressants, which I didn't stay on for long, because I was pretty irresponsible at the time. I am ashamed to how I was more afraid for my own wellbeing than my grandmother's through all of this. It is actually pretty embarrassing to admit to all of these things, but that was where I was in life at the time--Young and ignorant.
Anyways, she passed away at home with my dad and uncle there to tell her goodbye. I was at play rehearsal or something related to school. When I got home, she was gone. I don't remember being sad as much as relieved. Relieved that my dad didn't have to stress over her anymore. Relieved that she was no longer in pain. Relieved that she was at peace.
In fact right now is the first time I have really cried over her passing. I don't think I ever really processed any of the grief, but instead decided to plummet into some self destructive paths that are a whole other blog, or book, I could write about--maybe some other time.
Like I said, I don't know much about my grandmother's life before I came along into the world, but I do know that I loved going to visit her as a child because my parents didn't keep Coke in the house, but she did!!! I remember that she would save the flowers made of icing from her birthday cakes and put them in the freezer every year. She loved animal crackers and Mounds candies. She spoke cajun french and every once in a while, when she was pissed, she would slip into her native tongue. She loved coconut cake. She thought I was fat lol. She would sometimes call me Connie. She loved me terribly. And she was the best grandmother that she could be to me.
I know that I talk about missing Elijah often, but of course I have lost others in my life that mean a lot to me too. The grief surrounding him does not erase the grief surrounding others. Sometimes it only amplifies it. Losing someone you love is never really easy. There can be relief when it comes, but that doesn't mean it sucks any less.
We grieve different losses in different ways. I am learning that.
Anyways, I guess it just didn't feel right not to acknowledge my grandmother's anniversary of passing (even though it is tomorrow), especially since I have never really talked about it before.
We are back home on the bus, Levi included.
Tomorrow I have physical therapy, thank goodness, because my neck is killing me tonight. Tomorrow night I am also attending a suicide prevention class at the library which I am kind of looking forward to.
Keep sending the love, because God knows I need it.
Love all of you!!!
Keep praying for our world. Pray for our country. Pray for all affected by these hurricanes. Pray for our families. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.
Thank you.
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