Oddly enough, it feels much later than it did last night when I was blogging after midnight. I think I woke up too early this morning--plus I spent the majority of my day at some sort of store doing some sort of shopping. Sometimes shopping, especially grocery shopping, both overwhelms and drains me. Today was really no different.
I also came home eager to work on Elijah's Library and finish the door, only to find out that I had the wrong hinges and I need to rig something on the top of the door to prevent water or moisture from coming inside...I know I know, not the end of the world, but it was definitely a frustrating moment.
Today was also Levi's dad's birthday and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Big days filled with a lot of emotion.
ANDDD...because I was too tired to fool with cooking dinner, we had sausage biscuits from McDonald's. While we were waiting for them to cook the biscuits, Gabriel told me he missed Elijah and asked me if Heaven was in Orlando, and if lots of babies live there. I tried my best to hold it together and explain again that Heaven is not here on Earth, and it may be a long time before we see Elijah again. I also told Gabriel that he can talk about Elijah whenever he wants, and we will always keep Elijah in our hearts. It is just so hard for me to have to explain this over and over again, knowing that one day he will fully understand and it might possibly break his little heart even more than it is broken now. He really misses his little brother. I do too.
Like I said, emotional overload.
I really want to work on my book tonight, but I think first I need to meditate...or maybe I just need to go to sleep. I don't know.
I'm okay, in the way that sometimes it is okay not to be okay. I am honoring these feelings, and am at peace with them. Sending myself some extra love tonight.
Alright, I think I am going to take a hot bath and get some rest. Tomorrow it is supposed to snow and I know the kids are so excited. Other than that, I am hoping that tomorrow is pretty uneventful so I can hunker down and work on my book.
Love each other guys. It is so simple. If you choose love, you will never regret it.
I love you all.
Oh sweet sweet boy.
I will let go of the idea of being perfect,
so that I can write the book that tells your story.
A story of a little boy
who lived with BIG love.
A story of a boy that changed the world.
I love and miss you so much.
Always.
<3
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