I'm blogging a little early today. When I wait until after midnight I tend to rush it.
I am pretty tired today. I think it is toying with my emotions. I have been missing Elijah bad today.
Like, I'm seriously tearing up right now.
Earlier I had to go to town to take care of some errands, and drop something off for my dad. The place I needed to go was at lunch break when I got there, so I decided I was going to go to Walmart. Until 1/2 way there, when I decided I did not feel up to Walmart today. I wanted to go somewhere quiet and just sit. The only place I could think of, near me, was the local aquarium--so I went.
As I drove over to the aquarium I thought about when I was pregnant, how we got annual passes to Sea World in Orlando. On our first trip we walked into a little aquarium there and watched the fish. I pictured myself with Elijah and Gabriel just watching the fish. I thought Elijah would love it. I was so excited about all the good things I was going to be able to do with him. We really thought our life was about to make a turn for the better. We were working on getting a house. I was about to release my first book. We were about to have another beautiful baby. Life was good....
I got to the aquarium and out of the car and it was kind of chilly, but I stood outside a bit to read the plaque about The Caddo Native Americans and the sacred land where I stood. Sadly, it wasn't a happy story. The fish hatchery was placed on sacred burial grounds, many years before this kind of thing was prohibited. Many skeletons and artifacts belonging to The Caddo Tribe's Ancestors were dug up and destroyed. However, around the year 2000, Archeologist worked with the tribe and they were able to find peace and declare the area sacred ground.
Reading the story only fed the emotions whirling inside of me. We keep Elijah's ashes with us and they travel wherever we go. His "remains" are our sacred ground. If someone was to destroy them, I would be destroyed. There is a really powerful tale of love and forgiveness that we can learn from The Caddo Native Americans. If you are able to find peace after something like that, you are a truly powerful soul.
Anyways, after reading that, I really just wanted to go sit down. I went in and watched the fish for a little while, before deciding to do a guided meditation. I needed to clear my head. I wanted to feel better.
So, I sat and turned to a meditation that I found. In the meditation it asked me to close my eyes and picture sitting on an old farm house porch in a rocking chair. There was a clear night sky. The lady asked to picture candles, but I pictured a fire burning in the front yard with the kids warming their hands. I had a really vivid vision of Julien laughing.
Then the lady's voice told me to picture angels coming to visit. I watched in my mind as they swirled above the kids. The kids laughed and pointed in awe.
Then it said that the angel brought me a gift....this is where it gets kind of hard to decipher.
I pictured the Angel bringing me a baby. I hoped in my heart and head that it was Elijah. I'm still not sure if it was.
I just pictured Levi and I standing on the porch with the Angel behind us holding this baby and talking to it. I do not remember the baby's face, nor did I see it make any movements.
In the meditation, it said that other angels continued to bring us gifts--but all I could see was the baby.
Then the meditation asked for me to reflect on the things that I wanted most--and all I could think about it Elijah.
I cried and told God that I knew I couldn't have him back, but he was all I wanted right now.
I wish there was a happy revelation out of all of this--and maybe in time there will be.
The meditation was really nice and the visions of the kids playing with Angels and laughing was really beautiful. But I am still walking away without the thing I wanted most.
Anyways, it was a grief moment, and here I am continuing to be open and honest with those...
On the way home I stopped to check on Elijah's Library. The weather is already starting to take it's toll on the artwork--so I am probably going to have to figure something else out soon. It is not a big deal, just a little disheartening. I can just paint the same design and replace the names, I just thought the paper cutout looked so cool.
Alright, I'm about to work on some more illustrations for my book. I am really close to the end, and I have some pretty cool stuff lined up. I am really thankful, and really really excited. I feel good about this.
I hope all of you are having a peaceful and happy day. Sending you all lots of love.
Keep praying for our world. Pray for our Earth. Pray for each other. Pray for our families. Pray for our children. Pray for hope. Pray for peace. Pray for love. Pray for you! Pray for me. And always always pray for my sweet sweet Elijah.
Thank you.
Oh my sweet sweet boy.
I miss you so much today.
I love you I love you I love you.
Always.
<3
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