Today has been such a weirdly emotional day. I went on a walk this morning and was feeling pretty this morning. Learning with the kids went well, and I took a nice nap.
Then I went to my doctor's appointment--only to learn there is really nothing that my insurance will cover that will help with my neck and back, other than giving me pain relievers. Pain relievers don't heal anything, they just hide the pain... ugh..
It is a little disheartening, but not much I can do about it. Tomorrow I get paid for dog sitting and I will see if it can help me get a chiropractor appointment. Then I will go from there.
Feeling somewhat emotional about the disappointing doctor's appointment, I still managed to go to Walmart. Somewhere in between getting dog food and paper towels I heard the cries of a newborn and just lost it. I told myself to stop it and managed to pull myself enough to get the kids some easter stuff, and go to self check out hoping that I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. Then in my grief fog, I left my keys and phone at the checkout lane and didn't notice until I got to the car. So of course, this left me with no choice but to talk to people in my emotionally drained state. Luckily it only ended up being 2 people, and both were very kind.
After loading up the car, I drove home and then listened to some song that tore my heart in a billion pieces, after which I kind of zoned out...
When I got home, I got on my computer and then realized tomorrow is Chester Bennington's birthday--I know I know, maybe that seems obsessive, but the reason I know it is his birthday is because I follow his wife and the campaign she started in his memory is called 320 Changing Direction and the 320 is Chester's Birthday--March 20th. Ugh. This made me think about Elijah's first birthday and how hard it was to celebrate without him. And of course, made me think about how much it sucks that Chester is gone too...
Anyways, grief is weird and it has hit me hard today.
But in spite of all of that, some great things happened today and I am thankful for them. My Kickstarter got some really nice pledges and with each new pledge I feel more confident in my ability to follow my dreams. I don't want you to think that grief makes me this miserable person is ungrateful for all the good in my life--but I still have some really hard days.
It is just one of those strange bittersweet days that I have no idea how to explain to someone not living in my head. I am not giving up, I am not in need of a straight jacket or your pity, I just having a million emotions running through my heads right now and needed to open up about it.
So now I am going to listen to some Linkin Park, remember Chester and Elijah and keep moving forward for both of them.
Send love please. And keep changing the world for Elijah.
Thank you.
Oh sweet boy.
Sometimes I feel like I cheat you,
because I don't have much to say to you.
Just know that a million words could not explain
the complex feelings I have about all of this.
I just love and miss you.
I guess that is all that is important.
Shine down on me my boogie.
Always.
<3
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