Three years ago today, I was happy. I had just moved back to Florida, I had a really good interview to go part time as concierge at Disney, I was making friends who I thought were what I needed at the time, Levi's friends were moving to Florida, the kids were starting a new school. I could help family get into Disney and my kids got to hang out at theme parks. And I had the most adorable little baby I could ever ask for. I had an idea for a cool new business. I thought my life was finally coming together.
Tonight, I sit here in a place I'm not so sure I want to be anymore, looking at how far my life has snowballed down hill from this day years ago.
I miss Elijah. And if I'm not actively thinking about how much I miss him, I am subconsciously feeling it. Every day things are hard for me. Stupid things that probably annoy other people, like it is hard for me to check emails, respond to messages, keep appointments, keeping up with house work, and doing paperwork--among other things. Self care is even hard sometimes. I go through phases where I get motivated enough to take care of myself, but then the emotions overwhelm me again and I just get lazy.
Following through is hard, because no matter what I try to do, when it gets hard I feel like I can't handle it anymore and I stop. Also, it's never going to get me back to the life I once had, so it kind of feels pointless.
I'm also not supporting my family like I once was. I feel so guilty for saying that I don't think I am ready to go into the work place, because I know thousands of people who have been in my place still work. But I just don't know how to handle it. I was a lifeguard for 4 years. I can't lifeguard anymore and practice cpr on baby practice dolls. I think I would freeze if there ever was an emergency involving a baby. I couldn't risk someone else's child's life just so I can make money. I can't. And I tried to go back to Guest Relations, but the stress gave me ulcers and it was only a temporary fix anyways. I don't know how to transfer my Disney skills to anything here in Natchitoches. I am trying everything I can do from home, it just seems like nothing is working and it's stressful.
The hardest part of this is that my connection with my older kids is not as strong as it used to be either. I can see it in how few adventures we go on now. I can see it in the lack of photos I have been taking. I can see that I am not the mother I once was. The love is there, it is ALWAYS there, but the drive is not.
I've tried to move forward and to motivate others. I've tried to make a difference for Elijah. But it seems like the harder I try, the harder I fail each time. I am not a fighter, I don't get through the hard stuff very well. I am amazed, honestly, that I have held on this long to hope. Not to sound really pathetic or ask for your pity, because this is NOT what this is about, I just hate carrying around all this in my head--wondering how it gets easier for other people. Does it really get "easier?"
So, I guess what I am trying to say, is it not just about being sad and missing Elijah. His death destroyed my whole life. The world feels so empty and alone without him.
We aren't going to Florida this weekend. I don't know at this point if we are going anywhere. Maybe we will just stay here and put flowers in cane river or something. Tomorrow is kind of the last day to make a decision about it. I just feel drained. I feel like I should have planned for this sooner. I feel disappointed in myself. I feel like I am letting Elijah down. I feel like I am letting my family down. I feel like I am letting the people who look up to me down. This is not really inspiring...
But this is grief. This is my life without him. This is what it feels like to loose a baby.
Please, remember Elijah, and go change the world for him. Even if it just to smile at someone in the grocery store or to forgive someone who has wronged you. Let love in your heart. Cherish the people you do have in your lives, because you don't know when the last time you will see them will be.
Thank you for reading. I love you guys.
The hardest part of this is all the things I never got the chance to do with you.
I am missing things that never happened and never will.
And I have no control or say so in this at all.
I can't tell you how hard that is.
I can't just replace you with some new experience,
or some new job,
or some new baby,
or some new place to live,
or anything.
There is nothing that can replace my Elijah.
There is nothing that can replace kissing your cheeks,
or sneaking you tiny slivers of pears.
There is nothing that can replace holding you on my chest
after feeding you your nightly bottles.
There is nothing that can replace your sweet smile
when I kissed you toes,
or that pouty face when you wanted me to hold you.
I just want you back.
Can I just have you back?
Life without you is hard.
And I've tried the best I can to make the best of what I have,
but nothing seems good enough--
because nothing will ever be the life I had when I had you.
I love and miss you so much Elijah.
So so so so so so much.
Always.
<3
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