I had just dropped my mom off at work and I was driving over the Keyser Street bridge when I heard Bob and Tom announce on their morning show that a plane had just hit the twin towers. I made it home just in time to watch the second plane hit live on Fox news (my dad already had the news going). I was a freshman in college, and I still had classes that day. I still had a production that night. It is such a weird and tragic memory to carry around, so most of the time I don't even think about it until this day rolls around. The thought of so many people loosing their lives is sickening.
I later went to school with a girl who lost her boyfriend during the second plane crash. She was on the phone with him when she heard an explosion and he lost signal. She never heard his voice again.
She read an except to our class from a story she had written about that day. My heard broke for her. It is one thing to hear about the event on the news, and another to hear from someone who experienced a tragedy like that first hand.
Tragedy happens daily, sadly. No one is immune to it.
I remember sitting in the bathtub, the morning after Elijah had passed away and still weakly posting the words "never forget," while I sat fresh in the wake of my own turmoil. I too now understood the pain of a sudden unexpected loss. While mine did not come at the hands of hate, my heart raged for anyone who ever had to feel such a gut wrenching feeling.
I don't really remember much else of that day--the day after Elijah passed. I remember not wanting to eat. Not wanting to smile. Not wanting to live. It was terrible.
I remember when Levi finally talked me into eating, we had walked to this pub or bar type restaurant and this song played in the background, "If your going through hell, just keep going." I could barely stand up to order food. I just wanted to sit and cry.
I was talking to my therapist today about how much my body was impacted by grief. It's weird because we all know grief takes a toll on our emotions. We hear about the denial, the anger, the bargaining, and depression. But no one ever tells you that it can make you vomit, shake, hurt, and exhausted.
But back to today....I have kind of struggled all day with how I feel about 911. I feel like I don't feel enough for it. Like I have kind of numbed myself to it, because my heart can only handle so much at a time and September is already a month of great personal loss for me. It's almost too much. Maybe that sounds incredibly selfish, but it is what it is. I have to do what I can to stay somewhat sane.
I will always remember that horrible day. How could anyone forget?
And my heart brakes for other countries who have terrible events like this happen on days we don't recognize, and innocent people loosing their lives at the hands of men who want to "play God" and have their evil ways.
But in spite all of this pain and tragedy, I still think that our true colors as humans shine when we need each other the most. Look at the days following 911. I look to the days following Elijah's passing. Strangers helping strangers with unconditional love. I saw it then, and I still see it today. The world is not all bad. There is still a lot of good in the world. And we need to try our best to remember that each day--no matter how hard it can get.
Sending love to all of you who remember 911. Sending love to all of you who have experienced an earth shattering loss. Sending love to all of you who need it.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Thank you.
Look at that sweet smile.
You were such a happy baby.
I miss that.
I miss you.
I love you my boogie.
Always.
<3
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