Time for my second class of yoga, but no one has showed up yet, and I already did some yoga myself so I figured I would use this time to wait and see if anyone comes, and to go ahead and knock out this blog.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I was restless. The dogs were restless. Julien was restless (still sleeping, just kicking me every chance he got). And then when I finally got to sleep I had horrible dreams.
The last one I remembered was of me, the kids, and Levi being captured by some group of Nazis or something resembling Nazis? I honestly don't know, at one point it looked like we were in the middle east too. Anyways, we were in a containment camp, and we were placed in the same room, and they told us that our room had been selected to have our legs ran over by trucks. This all sounds really silly typing it out, but it was terrifying in my dream.
Gabriel was chosen to go first...and I remember crying because I couldn't be there with him. The people were being nice leading him down to where he was going...I guess to trick him. Somehow I got on a loud speaker and apologized to him about not being with him--knowing what was about to happen, and feeling hopeless I couldn't do anything.
Then somehow, we were all in this arena, I guess getting ready to watch each other get tortured. And I found Gabriel hiding under a seat... then I found Julien. And somehow we got away from the arena where we met up with Levi who was looking for his pocket knife--and we ended up in the bus. Alex was there and he said that if they haven't noticed we were missing that we should try to leave. So I grabbed Elijah's bag and got Alex to get the dogs and we all ran to the van...but for some reason Julien couldn't get in...and again my heart sunk in terror...
Then the alarm went off.
I cried just now thinking of this stupid dream.
I am so terrified of losing another child. My children are everything. I hate leaving them to go to work in the mornings. I am scared to leave them for long periods of time--even when I seriously need a break. I love them more than life and I can not live with the thought of something terrible happening to another one of them.
I'm still shaken...shook? I don't know...
Anyways, sorry I know that is not the most uplifting thing to wake up to, but it is my grief. It is my nightmare. It is my story....here I am.
Hope you guys have a beautiful day. I'll be okay... just need to go home and hug my kids.
Sending you all lots of love.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Thank you
Oh I just want you home.
Why can't I just have you home?
I love and miss you so much Elijah.
Always.
<3
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