today i said a prayer

It's 10:37pm.

I don't know why I have decided to start every blog with the time, but for some reason it has seemed to bring some kind of weird comfort. Maybe it is because it is like a consistent habit and I have no other real routine right now. Welcome to my random world.

We loss another loved one yesterday.

It is hard.

It is so hard.

I have had four family members pass away this year. And the last two were so sudden and unexpected.

The hardest of course was Elijah,  but that doesn't make any other life less valuable.

Please hug your family and friends and show them that you care because tomorrow is not promised.

Today as family members came to visit, Levi and I took Julien and Gabriel to Wal-Mart. They tend be our wild children and sometimes their wildness grows when new people show up.

On the way, I noticed that Levi was teary eyed. Elijah's death has been particularly hard on Levi. He was telling me today that he felt like Elijah was special and that he loves all our children, but he felt a strong bond with Elijah and felt like he had failed him.

I didn't know what to say other than to tell him I loved him and didn't know what to say.

Then I prayed silently in my head.

I first asked God to find his way into Levis heart to ease his pain.

Then I begged Elijah to find a way to show his dad that he loves him. I told him that his dad needed him very much right now.

Well, as soon as we pulled into the parking lot, I saw a beautiful double rainbow. I got so excited I almost drove into another car because I was so afraid I would not be able to get a good photo of it.

Ok, so I know scientifically how rainbows work, but I also believe that Elijah was special and that the bond he had with his dad somehow came through and brought us those rainbows.

I kind of think our new angel maybe helped a little bit too.

I have had a lot of people tell me lately I'm strong, but my strength comes from the bond I have from my children. I have said it before, but I know Elijah is in heaven and I know he is finding everyway he can to show me and his dad that he loves us. 

Tomorrow is Levi's birthday. I think it will be hard for him. I am going to continue to pray for him and ask that you do the same. And always pray for Elijah.

 Elijah. Thank you for the rainbows. To hell with anyone who doesn't think they were from you. I miss you so much and your dad does too. We have many sad moments but I know that you are with us and that is what brings me peace. I love you and miss you like crazy. Take care of our new Angel.