First Halloween

It is 10:35pm.

Although I have held it together the best I could, today was hard.

We held it together well enough to take the kids trick or treating but there were moments where I just wanted to lose it and scream at the world.

There were moments I wanted to give up.

Right now I just want to crawl in the bed and cry.

Today was supposed to be his first Halloween.

It was not supposed to be the first Halloween without him.

The kids did have a wonderful time trick or treating and the weather was nice and people were so kind to the kids, and I am so thankful for that.

I just keep thinking back to last Halloween where after trick or treating we piled up on our tiny couch and watched the original Night or the Living Dead and ate pizza. I remember Levi and I snickering about how I was eating weird toppings because I was pregnant. I also remember talking about next halloween when we would have four kids....

=(

I knew holidays were going to be hard, but today is just....awful.

I want to be happy for my kids! I want to be thankful for the wonderful evening we had, but honestly there is more going in my head than I know how to deal with.

I don't know....just please do me a favor and learn to be thankful. Thankful for every drop of good in your life. Because lately I have been surrounded by people who have the world handed to them and yet all i hear is them complaining. You honestly don't know how lucky you are. Just be thankful.

I really don't want to bring anybody down on Halloween night. It is one of our family's favorite holidays. So I will leave on a positive note.

While trick or treating I found Linus a few times. (For those of you who don't know, I use to call Elijah my little Linus Because he would curl his blanket up close to him when he would suck his thumb.)

Oh sweet sweet boy.

I can't ever put into words how much your dad and I miss you.

Just know that you are loved immeasurably.

Happy Halloween to you in heaven. 

I hope you were able to wear the batbaby costume we got for you.

I'm sure the candy in heaven is way better than the stuff down here, but your brothers got tons of candy tonight and were awfully happy about it. Gabriel ran to every porch yelling "happy halloween!"

Julien and Alex had a lot of fun too.

Gabriel was a ninja turtle. Julien was a Ninja. And Alex was...something creative...lol. 

They all got lots of compliments and everyone was really nice. 

I wish you were here to have enjoyed it with us. 

I love you so so much.

Good night my boogie. <3