Tonight as I was getting ready to leave work, I was listening to a young girl complaining about how she was not living her life because she had to work all the time.
Even though I made a pretty angry post earlier about people complaining when their lives aren't that bad, I totally empathised with her today.
I came here for a better life and while I love my job most days, sometimes I feel like there are so many days I have wasted my life there. Or if I am not there, there are so many days I am so tired from being there that I don't get things I want to do done. I am never able to make the impact I want to make.
The night before Elijah passed, I know that I worked a 10 hour day. I had asked to leave early that day, but I was told no because someone else wanted to and I had already gone home early the day before...
I came home that night and I remember picking him up from his bouncer seat, but I don't remember much else after that because I was so so tired.
I cannot remember the last day I spent with my son because I was tired from work.
All I remember was being in a bad mood and wanting to go to bed early. I don't remember the last moments I had with him and it makes me so mad.
I don't know why we live in a society that believes that it is okay to slave your life away and if your lucky enough to live a long life, then maybe you will be able to enjoy just the tail end of it.
I'm not saying it's not important to work, I actually don't know what I am saying...
But, yes, sweet girl...I empathize. I feel like my life was built for bigger things and that I waste a good bit of my time revolving my life around a work schedule.
Oh Elijah,
I don't know where I went wrong.
I had tried to go part time. I wanted to spend more time with you. I wanted to be a better mom for you. I just wish I had the time.
I wish you were here now.
I love and miss you so so much.
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