Yesterday's blog was kind of a rant and release and I forgot to mention a moment that happened at work that was pretty significant to me.
First off, let me just mention that while I feel so very blessed to be put back in a position I adore, there are still a lot of hard moments.
I work in an area that has a baby care center--so naturally I am surrounded by mothers coming in and out with their babies all day.
I'm not going to lie, I have numbed myself to it.
I can't look too long at a baby without wanting to cry.
I also, ironically enough, work in area that is called sids. That is not the full name of the location, but that is what everyone calls it....soo....yeah...not the greatest.
Anyways, yesterday there was a baby that was probably a year old or so sitting in her stroller as her mom was getting some information. She was squirming and fussing and she just wanted out of her stroller.
She saw me and then reached for me.
It took every ounce of will power I had to not cry. But I let her hold my finger for a moment.
It doesn't sound like a lot, but it meant something to me. I'm not sure what, but I was overwhelmed with emotions. I needed the touch of a baby. I wish it was Elijah, but that little girl touched my heart in ways you can't imagine.
Everyday I battle with the thought of do I ever want another baby.
I mean, we weren't even planning on Elijah. He was a happy surprise.
Part of me feels like never ever again would I be able to have another baby.
The other part of me wants God to give me all the babies my body can handle. (Just not any time soon).
It's just crazy--all the thoughts that run in and out of my head all day. (They are not all about babies)
Anyways, today I made it through work with very little woes. I think I get lost in figuring things out and problem solving and it doesn't take away the pain, but it takes my mind away from it temporarily.
It's also nice to get to help people and make their day better.
After work I spent some time with Levi and the kids and finally got the scanner set up. I managed to get letters and pictures scanned for tomorrow's www.loveelijah.com blog.
I found that the more I keep busy and have something to work for, the "better" I get through the day. But I am tired right now, so I am going to do a quick little act of kindness and then get some sleep. Tomorrow I need to blog, check on the status of our non profit, and take care of a few other things. I also wanted to do something nice with the kids since I have the day off from work.
Sweet Elijah.
There is no such thing as a replacement for you.
There is nothing that will ever do.
I miss you more and more everyday.
I sometimes feel like this pain will never go away.
I love and miss you my boogey.
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