what i used to believe

It's 11:33pm.

I used to believe this.

Or we'll I had just gotten to a place where I could believe it.

Because well, I have had some pretty terrible things happen to me in my life.

Some I had brought upon myself, but some were definitely not my fault.

Even at my worst, I have been a pretty decent person..

At a young age I doubted karma because I had seen inocent and good people get hurt or lose their lives. I experienced pains that children should never have to endour. I saw good people struggle.

None of these things seemed fair. None of these followed the laws of karma.

Somewhere in the last few years I decided to turn my life completely around. I decided to use positive thinking and visualization to drive me. I really thought that positive thoughts would bring positive changes in my life. I thought that someday my good would come and I would finally realize that karma was real. My kids could see that good things could happen to good people.

Now I don't know what to believe.

I never visualized struggling financially and hotel hopping because I am right on the edge of getting a house while trying to keep myself from going insane because my baby died. I did not want this. This is not a positive experience.

I have experienced more death in this year then probably in some people's lifetime. Maybe I talked about death too much around Elijah. Maybe I did something that merited this. I just don't know what that would be.

I keep reading all this stuff about how the devil hurts those who are on to something great. Well if that is true, then f#@$ the devil. I promise I would much rather have my baby than be great. He could have just taken the greatness from me.

I've just read so much and tried to put reasoning behind this too much.

I just hate seeing things that use to drive me now make me feel so broken. Somethings just don't apply to "focus on the good" or "leave it all in the past."

Not all good things happen to good people.

Sometimes good people have really crappy things happen to them.

I just can't believe in karma.

We should not want rewards for being good anyway.

I don't know...today was just Another hard day and I'm tired.

I don't even know if I make sense anymore.

Elijah,

Even though I don't believe in karma, I still believe in good. You were my good. I love you so much and miss you every moment of every day.