The Car Ride Home

It is 10:14pm.

I got off work at 9pm. I am just now getting home.

I am tired.

The kids have an international day celebration tomorrow at school. It is a big deal for them. They get to dress up and have a parade. They will also have a big "feast" of different foods from different cultures.

I had originally had this day off for a vacation I had planned. But when I took leave and then accepted a new role at work, I lost that day off....so I called in.

I feel horrible about it.

I love my job. I really do. Today was magical and I was able to help so many wonderful guest, but my kids are my world. And now, especially with Elijah's passing, I just can't miss anything like this. We are not promised tomorrow.

I will, of course, have to plan better in the future, but I can only imagine if I went to work tomorrow, I would be a horrible wreck and it would just be a no good situation for anyone all around.

The moon was beautiful tonight on the way home. It was so clear and seemed so close.

I thought about Elijah all day today. But more so on the way home.

The car is always so quiet and alone...even when I have the music blaring.

I try listening to a little bit of everything.

There are songs that I used to love, that I can't dare listen to anymore because the meaning of the words have changed somehow to me and it just hurts too much.

There are songs that have nothing to do with death, and somehow I make them into it...mainly love songs.

There are songs that really help too.

I've mentioned "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran. This has become "Elijah's Song" to me.

Ed Sheeran's new song is really nice too.

I try listening to a christian radio station I used to listen to all the time, but a lot of the songs just bring me to tears...and not in a good way.

I don't know, I just have never been a believer that God breaks people down just to pull them closer to him. And there are songs where people ask for this. And I obviously don't think they are asking for the pain that I am going through with losing Elijah; but I don't understand how people think they have to suffer or go through "tests" to have some sort of relationship with God.

I am not really a theologian. I certainly do not know the Bible very well. I am just speaking from what I believe, and what I struggle to believe.

I don't know...my beliefs about God and others people's will probably not align too well right now.

I don't doubt him. I'm not mad at him. I don't believe he even had anything to do with this. I believe he tried to warn me and I missed the signs. I believe that he has Elijah in his care. And I cannot believe that he is this scary, vengeful being that just wants us all to live in fear and crumble down to nothing so that we can be near him....there has to be another way.

But anyways...the car ride home was long and there were tears. I just miss Elijah and it will be so long before I see him again. The only thing I hope is that God can find someway in his heart to forgive me and help me find my place in heaven next to Elijah one day.

Oh sweet sweet boy. Even when I find peace, I will miss you. Even when I find acceptance, I will miss you. I will miss you until the day I join you in Heaven. It may be sometime before we are reunited, because I have to be here for your brothers, but just know that I will always be your mom and I will always always always love you.