You know, I'd be lying if I said that the Holidays got "easier," each year that passes...if anything they seem to be getting more difficult. Today has been all over the place for me. Grief is really kicking my ass.
And I don't say any of this to make you feel sorry for me, or because I just want to be morose or miserable. I don't want to be any of these things, or felt sorry for. But I choose to be open and honest with my grief, so here I am...
I have had a lot of anger stirring inside me today. The feeling of it not being fair. The feeling of envy of people who seem to return to "normal" lives after grief, while I am still struggling and will probably always struggle.
Does this mean I am not thankful? Absolutely not. I am extremely thankful for the many blessings in my life. If anything the death of Elijah made me realize how thankful I should be for the things I do have, and the beauty all around me. His absence has taught me the value of presence.
Does this mean I will never be happy or "healed"? Absolutely not. I have happy moments daily, and my "healing" process is more a journey of wisdom and knowledge and turning this pain into something beautiful-- and less of a journey to erase the grief that makes me feel these intense feelings. Grief is love. Grief is feeling the absence of someone you love and acknowledging it...and I don't see anything wrong with that. The intensity of these feelings come and go, but they usually leave me with some new motivation, insight, or creative medium. It is a curse and a blessing.
Does this mean I am not qualified to help others, because I have my own personal struggles? This is beyond silly. There is no such thing as a person who walks this earth who is 100% without personal struggle. We are all here to learn lessons, and grow. And growth hardly comes without any challenges. Also, death happens to people we love--so at some point in your life, you are going to face grief too. I share my story so that when that time comes, you don't feel so isolated or insane in your grief. Or perhaps you are going through hardship now, and need to know that you can still make shit happen, despite those hardships. I talk about my struggles because they are real, and I desire to be honest. I will not compromise my honesty and openness to make people want to "work with me" or read my blog. Dishonesty doesn't help anyone, including me. The people who are drawn to me or inspired by my honesty are the people I want to work with. And I honestly feel like sharing my struggles is the best way to let people know that we all go through these things as human, and shouldn't feel so shitty about them.
OKay, I feel the anger seeping out again lol.
I think maybe I need to go take a bath and meditate.
I sincerely hope that you had a happy Thanksgiving, with lots to be thankful about.
BUT if you didn't, know that you are not alone. Many people struggle through the Holidays for many different reasons.
If you feel like your struggles are too much, PLEASE reach out for help. The suicide hotline number is 1-800-273-8255 and it is open 24/7. There is also a crisis text line. Text: Connect to 741741.
I love you all..just the way you are.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Thank you.
Oh God how I miss you Elijah.
Please know that I do.
I would never ever dream of replacing you.
You are so important to me.
You and your brothers have given me more to be thankful for than I could ever imagine.
I wish I could just be thankful with you in my arms.
I love you I love you I love you.
Always.
<3
No comments:
Post a Comment