I got off work at 9:00.
I started work at 9:45am.
I go to work tomorrow at 7am.
I am exhausted.
I feel like I am not getting things done.
I have blogs I need to write for The Love, Elijah Project.
I need to organize fundraisers.
I just need time.
I am very angry with myself today.
No red alarms, no need to book me a room at the mental hospital, I am not having a breakdown yet...and even if I was, I would totally forgive myself for it.
As thanksgiving draws closer I just feel like a bigger failure than ever.
I know I am not a complete failure...however with my heart hurting the way it is and my body missing Elijah, my brain seems to be on a hiatus.
I just sit here in this damn hotel bathtub and think what has working so hard really done for me or my family?
I love my kids, I think they know that.
But lately I feel like I have put work in front of them.
I also feel like I have put other people ahead of them in ways...but that is a much more complicated thought process, I'd rather not go down right now.
I just wish I had done better for them.
That's it.
I don't wish that I had waited to have them.
I don't wish that I had never have them.
They are the best things that have ever happened to me.
I just wish I could prove that to them.
Tonight on my way home this song came on:
I basically shouted the lyrics because singing them was too painful.
One of the lines is, "We bury the sunlight, we bury the sunlight, failure...failure."
I just keep thinking Elijah is the sunlight...and I failed.
I know....I know....nobody wants me to feel that way. But I do. And I own it.
It is not because I want to hate myself...I am ok with the person I am. I am kind. I am loving. I try really hard to do good...
I just think that I could have been a better parent to Elijah. And I really don't think that thinking that is a bad thing. It just means that I care about him deeply.
And I feel that way about my other kids too. I wish I could have done more...I wish I could do more...I love them all so much.
And I know I don't need a house or world travels or anything crazy to prove it to them...I just think they are pretty awesome and deserve something nice to happen to them for once..
If only I could have one more chance Elijah.
I would never leave your side.
I love you so so much.
I am sorry I failed you.
I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, even if I can't have you back.
Kelly, Since you lost Elijjah, i have been reading your blogs with such a hurting heart. Today I want you to know that no matter how wonderful or how terrible your children go about becoming adults, mothers always feel liked they somehow failed to do the right thing at the right time. We are not perfect after all. We want to be, we want our children to be. We want to believe they would be if not for us. And it is hard, so hard in this world where everyone has their hand out from the baker to the candlestick maker for your money and your time. So all I can tell you is to do what you can to be mentally there when you are with your surviving children. Listen to them. Don't worry about things. Children just need your presence as much as possible. Dont beat yourself up about your feelings of failure with Elijah. Motherhood is tough and enough is never enough. Just breathe in and breathe out. You are a good mother, were a good mother to Elijah, and you will be ok.
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