Pushing Forward...again.

Its 9:45pm

I tried to go to church this morning because a friend invited me...but my anxiety got the best of me...

Other than that, we have had an okay day...thank you God!

Levi and Alex went and watched the new Star Wars movie (Merry Christmas to them)...and Julien, Gabriel and I went to the playground for a little while.

I also posted another www.loveelijah.com blog.

Right now, Alex is patiently waiting for me to use my computer so he can get back on it to watch youtube videos...

Yeah, we have become those parents...the use of screen time in our home is not something I am very proud of.

However, he has been outside a lot this past week, trying to learn how to skateboard, and trying to find things to build...so it is not all bad I suppose.

Today, I found the link to get Elijah's star for Christmas...

It's like $40 and you get the star named after him and a little teddy bear.

https://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.nameastarlive.com%2Fp-26-star-bear-gift-set.aspx&h=TAQHKaVZm&s=1

It is not the same as him being here, but he deserves something...and a star is a start.

I have also decided to start working on a documentary for The Love, Elijah project.

I want to interview parents who have experienced child loss in all forms...pregnancy loss, still birth, infant loss, and child loss. I want to talk about their pain, what they have done to honor their children's memories. I want them to most importantly talk about their children, and tell their story. Then I want to do an act of kindness with them in their child's memory.

I have a few women in mind, but I would like to include a father and I would also like to include an older woman who experienced a loss and was not able to talk about it because of the time period.

The most important aspect of the project would be for parents to get to tell their children's story in love and in light. Most bereaved parent's feel like no one wants to hear their story, because losing a child is sad...but their memories of their children don't have to be. Their memories are full of life and love...and I want to help share them.

I found a website that has a few places to look for funding, but I don't think there would be much cost involved...maybe some for sound equipment, and possibly some for travel...

But tomorrow I am going to write up a proposal and try and see what I can come up with...

I am hoping it opens up gateways and helps bereaved parents know it is always okay to talk about their children....always <3

Anyways, I guess I will give the computer back to Alex...

I'm pretty tired.

Elijah,

People say it will get easier, but I don't know how it is so.

I don't think easier is the word...

Adjusted maybe? Surviving possibly..

I honestly don't know.

But everyday is a day closer to you...

and the hope of seeing you again is what pulls me through...

I hope I am good enough to make it to heaven's gate some day.

Cause once I see you again, 

that's when I will finally be okay.

Please know I love your brothers, and I love your dad.

And they know how to make me smile,

when I am feeling sad.

But a part of me will always missing, and that part of me is you,

but I will live my life and honor you in all that I do.

I am going to name a star for you and wish on it every night.

I will wish for peace and joy in this world, 

and for everything to be all right.

You will never disappoint me, 

you will be in everything I do.

I miss you so

I always will

Please know that I love you