Today I added 3 new designs to our etsy page and a mug, a t-shirt, and hoodie for each.
Well, okay...the middle one I showed you yesterday...but the other two I made today.
Neither are very complicated...and it doesn't seem like it should have taken me all day to upload designs and products to etsy, but I also had kids to tote around everywhere, and a family to take care of.
Speaking of, Alex got promoted very quickly at his MMA school in belt testing. His coach thinks he will be ready for adult classes soon!
I am both proud and terrified.
Fundraising has kind of come to a standstill...I'm not sure what to do about it, but I can't give up. I have other funding that I will be providing, and I am hoping to God our Etsy shop will take off once I get it all put together, but just keep praying, because I need it...I am definitely taking a leap of faith.
I know it is the right thing to do.
My stomach has had its ups and downs today...but right now I am doing okay.
Last night I felt like someone was standing on my rib cage again, and it didn't help that I had this weird dream where there was a baby in a bassinet in my old bedroom at my parents house (that was Alex's nursery).
The baby was dead, but it was trying to talk to me...and I kept telling myself that there was no way this was Elijah because the baby also had down syndrome...and Elijah didn't have downs.
I wanted so badly for it to be Elijah.
And I can't remember a single thing the baby was trying to tell me either, but I do remember there was a blue light shining over the bassinet. It was really odd.
I also dreamed that I was pregnant--and I had the most glorious pregnant body that there ever was. Which, if you have ever seen me pregnant, I tend to bloat and get puffy--not glorious..lol. I don't know how far along I was, or what I was having, I just remember seeing myself in the bathroom mirror and I had this beautiful pregnant belly...
It was all just so strange, and for whatever reason, this weird dream has made me feel so off today.
And then later today I read some post in a support group about a girl looking for a medium to speak to her baby, and I followed just out of sheer curiosity.
No one really said what any mediums had ever told them--only that they had been told things that no one else seem to know, and that somehow they left knowing more about why their baby had to leave...
All I could think of while reading these posts is: what if I went to one of these things and they just told me that Elijah was angry because I left him that day...
And it really wouldn't even matter if they told me something amazing, because I would never believe anything they said, even if it was something I really wanted to believe...
ugh...like I said, It has just been a really weird emotional day....
And no worries, I am not running off to a medium anytime soon. The last time I went to a palm reader, I think I was about 16 and I can't remember much about what she told me other than I apparently am supposed to have ESP powers myself...lol. Obviously if I did, I would not be where I am in life right now.
AGHH...THE WEIRDNESS!
What can I say. I am in a funk today.
It is just another day to get through....that is my life now. Day by day...moment by moment...second by second.
Blah.
Oh sweet sweet boy. What I would give to hold you again, to wrap you up tight and to know that everything was going to be okay. You are so beautiful. So wonderful. So perfect. I love and miss you more than you could ever imagine...
I just wanted everything to be okay...
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