The Desert of Grief

It is 10:22am.

There will likely be 2 blogs today.

Today has started off rough.

I couldn't get myself out of bed for the gym, so that immediately led to disappointment in myself, and then when I finally did wake up, I woke up in a fog of hopelessness.

I turned the open sign at 9:00am and I thought:

"What am I doing this for?"

"Will anyone ever come?"

"How am I supposed to make this work?"

The questions kept rolling.

They rolled me over into this funk and I can't shake it.

I had someone asked what services I provided yesterday and I as I typed it out, it sounded less purposeful than I wanted, and more silly than ever.

I felt like a child.

I feel like while all of this is a wonderful thought, but I don't know if it will ever be a wonderful reality.

Look at this, look at how damn depressing this is...

You have to know that I don't want to be depressing.

You have to know that this was never what I wanted in my life.

Out of all the things in the world, why did we have to lose Elijah, and why has everything after that just turned into a big pile of crap.

I don't like being like this.

I don't want medicine, I don't want to go to a doctor--before you start shoving those ideas down my throat. There is nothing wrong with any of that, I just don't want it. I don't feel like it is right for me.

And I am not saying I will stay like this either...

Grief has a cruel way of just shaking you up and throwing you into the middle of your own desert-- time and time again.

And just as you find a way to crawl out of this vast desert and find the sweet oasis of peace, you feel its nasty hands scoop you up and shake you again.

Today I have to find a way to crawl out of this desert. I have to find my purpose in all of this. I have to make this work....

I just have to.

For Elijah...and for me.

I promised him I would change the world... and it is not a promise I can take lightly.

So it is back to work I go...

(not my image)