Alternate Universe

It is 9:54pm

A slight improvement on my late night posting I guess...

I am trying to keep myself busy so that I don't drown in grief this week, but it is not an easy task.

I feel like my busy hasn't been productive busy either....just an escape from all that is real.

Like today, I brought the boys swimming all morning, because after waking up at 5am for the gym and deciding not to go because I was pretty down,  and I needed to get out.

It sucks, and I hate myself a little for falling behind on everthing....but we are only a few days away from a really difficult day, and I guess I should be a little easier on myself.

Thank you to all of you who have been sending us the kind acts you are doing for Elijah and his birthday. You don't know how much they are keeping me afloat right now. I was honestly worried that not many people would participate, and we haven't even reached his birthday and people have shared some really thoughtful and amazing stories of kindness with me.

I am still trying to figure out how we are even going to handle that day....I have some ideas, but I am just planning on going with the flow that day...

I feel like last summer was all some sort of bizarre and wonderful dream and for some reason the world thought I just needed to wake up in some sort of alternative universe.

Everything is different this summer. Everything.

The house we stayed in (my grandparent's house) was sold...they closed on my birthday.  Which also means I don't have any grandparents left. Last summer I was waiting to have a beautiful baby, and now I am mourning the loss of that same beautiful baby...and I am just in a different world.

Blah...

I don't know...I am just a mess.

So pray for me. Pray for my family. And always always...pray for sweet Elijah.

Oh sweet boy.

How did we get here? Why are we here? I could ask a million questions, and none of the answers would make me feel any better. Nothing would make me feel as good as just holding you. I love you and I miss you so much. I miss you so much there are not enough words to describe how much I miss you.

I see babies with their families at the pool, in pictures, all around, and I don't even know what to do. I couldn't smile at this little baby girl today and I felt like a monster. I felt cold. I felt heartless. It is jealousy and it is awful. It is awful because I love babies. I don't want anyone to ever feel this way, to miss their child. I just want to be able to be making all these memories with you.

I want to have those aggravating moments of having too many kids. I want to struggle holding you and playing with your brothers. I want everything that could possibly come with having you in my arms. The "bad" the good...all of it.

I am so sorry.