Purple

It is 10:18pm.

My fingers are purple...

from paint.

I have been painting purple heart buttons all afternoon, long story.

But it has been actually kind of therapeutic and has kept me distracted from other things that were bothering me earlier today.

I have been angry a lot today, as that seems to be the current stage of grief I have stumbled into this past week.

I try really hard to adjust and find something positive, because I don't really want to be angry. However, sometimes it is just beyond my control.

I have been reading this book called "Beyond Tears," because I wanted to start doing book reviews for other bereaved parents for my blog --and also because I want to write a book about my grieving process with Elijah one day, so I thought I would do research and get ideas.

Anyways, I will do a full book review later, but I having a really hard time getting through it.

The concept is really cool. They took several grieving parents and collaborated on how they felt about different things, but the problem for me is all of these women (well most of them) are frigging depressing!

OK, ok, I know--I can be a downer sometimes, and losing your child is VERY depressing, but man...

There was one of them that said something about never wearing bright colors, and all of them seemed to secretly hate people who were old, and I can't even begin without making myself even more angry today.

I don't want to be that way...am I that way?

I am very sad about losing Elijah, and I have many sad days and angry days--but I hope that in all of my turmoil, I can still find hope--if not for me, then for Elijah.

I feel like I try my best to live my life to the fullest now, because I am living for the both of us. I am blessed to have each day and I have to make each day count.

I haven't finished the book, so maybe it gets better. I sincerely hope so.

But please don't think that just because a mother (or father) has lost their child, that they are all bitter and hate other babies or people that grow old--because it is simply not true.

The one thing I think that I found missing here is how much LOVE a grieving parent has, and how there are so many of those parents who work very hard to spread that love everywhere for their child in heaven.

(oh another pet peeve from this book was the usage of the words "dead child" over and over again...I was almost suffocating over those words)

But anyways. I have to go flip over my purple heart buttons now and seal the other side so I can get started on making bracelets out of them.

I will eventually get through this book and then I will do a full book review, and hopefully I will be able to find some more positive things to say. (hopefully).

Please continue to keep my family and I in your prayers as the 10th is quickly approaching and we are just starting to breathe from Elijah's birthday. And thank you so much for those of you who have been there for us.

Please pray for me. Pray for my family. Pray for the world. And always always, pray for my sweet Elijah.

Oh silly boy.

Look at that face.

You had to be silly, just look at your brothers. 

I miss you so so much my boogie.

I always will.

I love you.

<3