I finished making 104 bracelets so far today...
I have been watching The Amazing Race all day.
I have tried to stay distracted.
Today marks another month of us losing Elijah.
Even though I have stayed distracted, my anxiety is awful.
I feel myself shaking right now, and my eyes are on the verge of tears.
I exploded at the kids earlier in the car, but then I followed it up with some cool and collected disciplining.
I feel so much doubt today while watching The Amazing Race, when yesterday I felt so much hope and excitement.
It could be that this season the people are not quite as positive as the last season, and there is a lot more drama...
or it could just be that I miss Elijah a lot today and I am having a hard time comprehending that no matter how amazing life could get, I will still never hold him and there is NOTHING that will ever fill this void.
I want to stay positive.
And I will...
just not today I guess.
Blahh
I just miss him so much, and it is not fair.
I feel like I have fallen so far behind on everything lately. I haven't sent out birthday cards this month, I have barely posted anything on my page. I haven't even attempted to open my studio doors.
I don't want to fall behind....I just think it has been a hard month for us.
I don't know....I will get there. After I finish these bracelets I think it will maybe give me some sense of accomplishment and that will give me some hope, and I will pick myself up from there.
I just have to keep moving forward--
for Elijah,
for my other kids,
for myself.
Oh sweet boy.
I bet if you were here right now,
you would be getting into such much trouble with Gabriel.
Look at you two.
He was so happy to be your big brother.
I hate that he will never get that experience.
I hate that you two aren't going to grow up together.
And as much as I hate seeing your brothers get in trouble day after day,
I hate that you will never be here to get in trouble with them.
I miss you so much...so so so so so much.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
<3
No comments:
Post a Comment