Because of Elijah

It is 7:23pm.

I went to my second counseling session today and it was extremely emotional...but in a good way.

I tackled a lot of issues and really focused on working on rage--which I have been battling with since Elijah's passing.

Today was a lot more personal than yesterday, so I am going to go back and share some things from yesterday that really helped me...

Sleeping.

Well, okay...I don't know if that has helped me any yet, because it has been just been one night, but as I mentioned yesterday I set a screen time cut off for 8pm and a bedtime for 10pm each night.

I also downloaded a sleep tracking app, just to see how much deep sleep I am getting.

This is so weird, but cool.

Check this out....last night's sleep:

As you can tell...it took me some time to fall asleep...so it will take some time to get use to this.

Another thing that we talked about is how our feelings are not truths and how feelings tend to shape our beliefs but beliefs and feelings can not change the truth...

Does that make sense?

I'm not sure if I typed that out right....lol.

ANYWAYS...

One of the little practices she taught me was to check in with myself whenever I was feeling these emotions that aren't truths.

So, let's say I am jealous. (Just using this as an example)

I would stop what I am doing, and check in.

Then I say to myself, 

"Wait a minute. That's not me. That's just my programming. I'm not jealous."

Then I would find in my body where I am feeling that jealousy and I would imagine it as it was a ball.

Then I would pretend to take that ball out of my body and send it down a peaceful river....or as I have been doing it, throwing it away like a baseball on fire..

After that you say to yourself, "thank you thank you thank you." " I love you. I love you. I love you."

It sounds SUPER hokey, but I have been doing it when I get frustrated (especially with the kids), and it is really helping.

Even if it doesn't help, the point is that you are trying to reprogram your brain to bring the good back.

Another thing we talked about was keeping a gratitude journal, which I use to do before Elijah passed but have neglected since then...mainly because I don't believe gratitude fixes grief. And it doesn't. 

BUT, gratitude can help with other areas in my life and can help bring me to a place where I feel lighter and more thankful for the good things that are in my life presently.

Now, will any of this stop me from missing Elijah?

Of course not. I will always miss Elijah. 

However, it will hopefully help me separate the nasty part of grief from me, and allow me to live a happier and fuller life, because of Elijah.

Being thankful for him is what I want to focus on.

And maybe my thankfulness will be just the fuel I need to fuel the flame in me that wants to change the world for him.

Well, it is almost time to get off the screen and go walk.

This morning I walked without Gabriel and made 3.35 miles in just over an hour.

Here we come transcontinental walk ;)

Oh! And Elijah's Sunflowers are starting to bloom <3

Please continue to pray for our world. Pray for my family. Pray for me. And always always, pray for my sweet Elijah.

Look at you looking at your toes <3 So sweet.

I remember this moment clear as day.

It was a bad day, and you brought me so much joy reminding me that the simple things are right under our noses.

I am so thankful for you.

So very thankful.

I love being your mom.

I love and miss you so so much boogie.

<3