I just finished putting some chicken breast in our tiny little toaster oven, and we just got back from the kids' MMA class.
Today has been a pretty good day.
I went for my morning walk and got back and immediately got to check a few things off my checklist.
The kids and I spent some time together outside weeding out our little sunflower "garden" at the studio and cleaning the area. It still needs a lot of work, but it was so hot outside, we did all we could do.
Then we rewarded ourselves for our hard work by going to the pool and swimming for a little while.
Then we came home and I wrote for my book for an hour, and brought the kids to MMA.
And now here I am, a little ahead of my "schedule" blogging!
Tonight's blog is kind of special.
BTW, It's about to get a little spiritual up in here....just incase you are not down with that or what not... I respectfully respect all outlooks on life and ask that you respect mine. <internet hugs>
Look! Squirrel!
Haha...I have no idea what the squirrel is for, I just thought he was cute and kind of funny.
Anyways...so back to this spiritual thing.
So I have been talking about all of this "retrain the brain" stuff because I believe in it, and it has been helping tremendously.
However, I heard this song this morning and it really spoke to me.
And I thought I would share with you kind of what happened on my second day of counseling.
I will kind of keep most of it private, because it is not necessary to share all of it for it to make sense, but the part I am going to share with you is still kind of personal, so just be nice....ok?
Groovy.
So on the second day of counseling my counselor had prepared some sort of exercise to help specifically with post traumatic stress, and my rage issues.
So the first thing she asked me is what kind of religion do I follow.
I told her I was more "spiritual" than "religious," but I still believe in God and Jesus.
To which she replied, "Do you mind if I invite Jesus into our exercise?" (totally paraphrasing)
And I hesitantly responded, "ok."
(First of all, I was already hardheaded and skeptical of the whole counseling thing. And now she was adding Jesus into the mix after I had been so mad and distant from prayer? It was hard to be anything but hesitant).
So we did this thing where I had to close my eyes and we revisited certain parts of my life and she would ask me what I would see. How true it felt. And then she would ask Jesus to speak to me.
Now whether or not I believed that it was Jesus speaking to me, I was still asked to say the first word that came to my head, or share the image that came to me after she asked Jesus to speak to me.
And, you guys, it was amazing.
All of my answers were one worded answers, but they all made sense. And I will feel like light was radiating from my chest. I can't even really explain it.
We revisited things from my childhood, all the way to the guilt I felt for not wanting Alex as a scared young pregnant teenager.
But the very last thing we visited was all the guilt I felt about leaving Elijah that day, and she asked Jesus what he thought about me feeling responsible for Elijah's death and I got a giant, "NO!!!!"
And after that this picture of me and Levi holding Elijah in our arms after he passed just popped into my head and I started pouring tears, through my closed eyes.
And she said "what are you feeling?"
I said, I just miss him so much.
To which she asked me, if I was ready to hand all the weight of the guilt, and the sadness, and the grief over to Jesus and just be Elijah's mom?
I hesitated a little bit, because for so long I have held onto all of that feeling like it was my duty as Elijah's mom to feel that way. To carry my grief because I surely deserved it.
But I have been honoring Elijah's life in kindness and love, and to continue that I really had to make that choice and let God carry the weight, so I said "yes."
And that is when I heard the words from the counselor that made it all worth it.
She said, "Now Jesus can carry the weight, and you can just be Elijah's mom. And how awesome is it that you still get to be his mom?" (again...totally paraphrased)
I think I still left feeling the session a little skeptical, even though my counselor was extremely impressed. I had to go home and take a nap because I was so emotionally drained but when I woke up I felt a thousand times lighter, and my heart was so much happier.
Alright, I am about to hit my 8pm screen time shut off, but there are a few things that I want you to walk away with from reading my blog tonight:
1. You Do Not Have to carry the Weight Of the World On Your Shoulders. For the longest time I felt like I HAD TO. That somehow this made me a better mom for Elijah and that it just proved how much I love and miss him. And I was soooo wrong. Elijah would never want me to feel the way I felt just to prove I love him. Elijah would want me to be a happy momma, because Elijah loves me.
2. The weight of losing a child is so heavy that I had to have a professional help me hand over the weight to Jesus. And if that doesn't speak volumes, I don't know what does.
3. God doesn't want us to suffer. This is just my input. I'm sure you could find others who would speak differently. But the God I know, and the God that spoke to me at that session told me that when I was heartbroken, he was heartbroken too, and he only wanted hope for me. And you guys, those words and that light shining out of my chest felt like truth that day. And I wouldn't share this with you if I didn't believe in it.
Oh....here is the song that inspired me to write this blog today.
If you don't want to take the time to listen, and just want to read the lyrics, here is a link to that too:
Alright guys.
Please keep praying. Pray for our world. Pray for my family. PLEASE pray for our finances and our homeless situation. And always always, pray for my sweet Elijah.
Oh sweet Elijah.
I love you and miss you every day.
Look at you looking at Gabriel.
My gosh, you were so big, lol.
You were almost as big as he was!
Your brothers and I worked on your little sunflower garden today.
It is struggling, but we haven't given up on it.
I'm still planning on changing the world for you.
Just you wait and see
<3
Beautiful thoughts
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