I am at the library in Winsboro, Louisiana waiting to meet up with the kids and Mammy to go to Walmart and get stuff with their birthday money.
It is so quiet in here...
Anyways, I came here because I was going to take a nap, but couldn't sleep...and I really prefer to blog on my computer, because using a keyboard is much easier on my hands than typing it all out on my little cellphone keypad...plus, I don't have autocorrect changing words on me and giving me major anxiety because I have to continuously have to go back and change things...
I feel like I really limit myself when blogging on my phone, but Granny's house doesn't have internet, so we make do. And I never complain, because I honestly LOVE being at Granny's house.
I am having growing anxiety about going back to Florida.
I always seem to...
But this time is different from the last, as the last time was different from the time before..and so on and so forth.
Right now, most of my anxiety comes from lack of money and wondering how I am going to get this studio off the ground, and whether or not I am really doing the right thing with my life.
Nothing too complicated right? lol...What is there to be anxious about?
Really, I am at the point where we could be complete nomads living out of our car, traveling the U.S., selling rocks, jewelry and t-shirts while blogging-- and I would be fine with that.
There are always state parks and swimming pools to shower at right? lol.
NO MONTHLY BILLS! (woohoo)
And hopefully lots of kindness to spread for Elijah.
I would love to be nomadic...maybe not my entire lifetime...but for a while.
I somehow feel this HUGE draw to it....but the other part of me wants Levi to be able to continue to go to his MMA classes, and Alex too...because both of them are thriving in it...and it would be pretty selfish for me to take them away from it....maybe we could start a traveling MMA school lol?
I think it is something about this time of year that makes me feel like this, because last summer I had decided that somehow I was going to sell all these books, stay at home with Elijah and we would just take the year off and travel, since I was going to have the money....but I didn't listen to that urge and look how everything turned out :(
I ended up having to use my extra money to survive instead of thrive, and having the crappiest year of my entire life...and p.s. I have yet to sell very many books (incase you thought I had...and the guilt of spending more time working on these damn books instead of spending the time with Elijah sometimes just makes me not want to ever touch another book again).
What do I do?
I don't know.
I have been praying (the best I can, even though I feel like I am so horrible at it), and asking God to please give me some answers and be gentle with me, because I need a sign like in Evan Almighty lol.
I NEED IT SPELLED OUT, because I have never been good with subtle clues.
Yes, I need some concrete direction...because I feel like my "calling" or whatever it is to just get up and go makes no sense at all...even though it has lingered and latched on to my heart and won't let go.
I have no money. I have a family to feed. I have a wonderful way of making excuses. And I have no idea what I am doing.
So I am asking you, do any of you have a "calling" that you went after even though you had no idea what you were really suppose to do, or how you were supposed to do it?
The best story I can think of was this man:
https://www.americasfootprints.com/blog/detail.php?28-y.-o.-Quits-His-Job-To-Help-A-Total-Stranger-Walk-Again-359
He quit EVERYTHING, because he felt like he had a calling to help someone...And just look how amazing this turned out.
I just feel God, or something, telling me it is time to do something BIG and here I am sitting here feeling so small and having no clue where to begin.
Surely this man felt crazy when he got his "calling"...right? Or maybe I am just crazy.
PLEASE GOD...just spell it out already...lol.
And PLEASE if any of you have had these crazy callings, share with me...maybe we can turn them into a book together ;) Or maybe not--but I would LOVE to hear about how you listened to your heart and changed a little piece of the world.
Thank you to listening to my mad woman rants.
Please continue to pray for my wild wondering heart. Pray for our beautiful world. And always always, pray for my Elijah. <3
Oh sweet boy.
My wondering heart just wants to do so much for you.
You know why?
Because you are so worth it.
Every bit of crazy wonderful madness.
I love you so much.
Miss you every second..and the nano seconds in between.
<3
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