I am sitting on my dad's couch....trying to just hold it together.
Tomorrow we are supposed to have a yard sale.
My dad had already went through a lot of the effort of getting most of it set up. He had clothes hanging on the line and tables out there with things already placed out.
I had went to Walmart to get tarp and picked up a few more items.
I had checked the weather app and everything looked clear and I had placed a bunch of items out on the tarp and had even posted about it online.
Then with one clasp of thunder, I felt my stomach churn and my heart break as all of my plans went out the window and it started to rain.
And not just a little rain...no...because that is not how this works...but a lot of rain...
and hail.
Most of what we had put out is now ruined.
And despite Levi and my dad's best efforts...I don't know what will be saved to sell tomorrow morning.
In fact, I am just so tired and numb right now, I don't even want to try anymore.
I don't.
I'm done.
We needed this yard sale so bad.
My dad is playing the optimist and drying clothes and trying to save them...
I just don't even want to try to get my hopes up.
And here I was yesterday so sure that there was still hope and I was meant for great things... but today--
today I am just wondering if this is my "calling"...to be poor and hopeless forever.
And yes, maybe I am being depressing, and yes maybe it is not fun to hear about...but imagine trying to live through this. Day after day, just watching my life fall to pieces over and over again...
Wasn't losing Elijah enough?
Can't I just have one break?
Can't I just have some sunshine?
I am so very tired.
God, I am so tired.
I would say pray, but I don't even know what for...
You will have to forgive me, I'm not in the greatest of moods....perhaps I just need to go to bed.
Whatever you pray for or think about tonight....don't forget my Elijah. I feel like I have failed him in so many ways and I hate it so much.
Oh Elijah.
I don't even know what to say,
other than I am so sorry.
I love and miss you so so so much.
I'm so sorry. I pray the day goes better. Please don't ever give up. I know how you feel. I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I told you before we were homeless and I was hopeless. It worked out. Keep praying! I know you didn't mean prayer might not help. It will.
ReplyDeleteI'm not giving up on you. God has things planned for you through Elijah like he does is with Cullin. They say god will not give you more than you can handle. When I feel bad and hopeless I just tell myself God must think I'm awfully strong. Please don't give up. You are a wonderful mom and wife and you will make this work. When Ginny was young I work tell her, "They will tell you no, a thousand times no, and you will tell them yes!" I love you and your family. I know I know y'all well, but I think our angel babies brought us together for a reason. We will figure it out.