Grieving The Future

It is 9:51pm.

I am sitting on the couch at Granny's with Suzie the dog and Levi is sitting next to us.

This week is going so fast.

Today was a little better.

I didn't have any crazy nightmares last night and I was awkaken this morning with some great news for the boys little shop.

By noon today they had sold 89 rocks total!

It was a tiny miracle and we are so very helpful for the hope it brought us today.

I also talked to my parents today and they found a doctor for me to visit about my ptsd before we leave to go back to Florida.

I am honestly terrified about the appointment...but at this point...I really don't know what else to do.

And I am still freaking out about money, so maybe it will help me get on temporary disability benefits until I can get some sort of other income.

But today was better...and I think that should be noted.

The best part of my day (aside from seeing the boys excited over their rock sales), was the time this evening I spent playing with Julien and Gabriel in the grass outside.

We played superman, pointed out the moon, and were just plain silly.

I am so sad that one day they are going to grow out of wanting to play with me like this...

Sometimes I literally grieve their childhood ending before it actually does because when it ends and Elijah isn't there to follow along, it is going to be so hauntingly quiet and hard.

I am just trying my best to hang in there and fight through it though so I can enjoy these moments...Becasue they are so amazing.

Sorry for the emotional rollercoaster.

Just keep praying hard for us all...Because we need it. And always pray for my Elijah.

I miss him so much.

Hi my sweet boy.

The day will come when your brothers grow older and it will get quiet...

And I am so afraid of how quiet it will be.

I know I shouldn't think ahead.

I am supposed to take this one moment at a time, but it is so hard.

I miss you and everything you were supposed to be. 

I miss us. 

I love you.