I am sitting outside at Granny's house by a campfire with the boys.
I am getting eaten alive by bugs, but they are happy...so I am sucking it up for them...
We have been putting this off for days...
Lazy parenting strikes again.
Last night I had a horrible dream.
It scares me because it is a dream that is some peoples reality.
I dreamed that I had basically joined a group of thieves and lived in a van with them.
I know this reads very silly and not at all scary but
In the dream I had to watch Levi take my kids away from me Becasue my life choices had spiraled out of control that bad.
I woke up crying because I am so tired and scared of the life we are living. I don't know how much longer I can hang on this way.
I started an application for disability benefits for ptsd but God only knows if I will get that and if so when I will get it.
I haven't worked in 3 months and I just can't handle life right now.
Levi has the most hopeful career choice ahead of us with training at the gym and I'm afraid if I can't continue to pay for us to live in Orlando, then he won't be able to continue to pursue his training and learn to fight and coach...and he is so close right now. Plus it is helping him through his grief and I believe it is the only thing keeping him going and I CANNOT and WILL NOT take that from him either.
I know it sounds strange outside looking it and it maybe easy to say "Well just make better life choices," but for us it is not that simple.
I can't explain to you how dehabiliting losing Elijah has made me.
I mean yes, I have drive and I can do things inside my own comfort zone...but stepping into work everyday when I went back was like taking a punch to my stomach and I had to gasp for air the whole time I was there....
I am terrified that now that I am not able to work I am just worthless and our family is now suffering because of it.
I haven't sold a book in quite some time.
I barely make $10 a week on etsy most weeks.
And I really can't even afford the art therapy studio I started...
I'm not doing so great.
I thought I would be...but I'm not.
And this is not a pity posting...
It just helps to get it off my chest and talk about it.
So I am.
But. Please don't think I am not trying Becasue I am also taking action.
Today I got the kids to start their own etsy shop and I am hoping and praying that they will make something of it. Because I have to give them hope. I have to.
I can't give up even though I am desperately tired of even trying at this point. It is not an option.
I yelled at God today and told him I couldn't do it anymore. I had screwed everything up and I just need his help...
I don't know if that was considered a prayer...but Becasue I can't think of anything else right now...I need prayers...
So please pray tonight. Pray that I find a way to keep the faith. Pray that I find a way to pay my bills. Pray for some sort of income to find its way in my life where I can breathe and not feel like I am in panic while I am working. Pray for Levi as he continues to do excellent and work hard in his training. Pray for our parenting. Pray for our children. Just pray. And Always always Pray for my sweet Elijah.
Elijah.
I feel like such a failure as a mom.
I lost you.
Soon I won't afford to take care of my other kids.
I don't even know what to do anymore.
Just know that I love you and your brothers more than anything in the world and I won't give up Because I can't.
I just feel a little lost today so please be don't be too disappointed. I promised you we would change the world together so we will...
I love you so very much
<3
My sweet new friend. I feel for you. I prayed for you and your family as I read this and cried tears of remembrance. My kids and I were homeless at one point and lived in a one room shed in my moms yard. What your husband is doing will make a difference. I promise. I was so broke and scared like you. I went to TCC and worked 3 jobs to finish. Once I finished our life got better. I remember when Ginny went back to work and the struggles she had. Then when Raylun was born it was a struggle all over again to have to leave him. We can talk at Camp Cullin. Maybe Ginny and I can help you get the Love Elijah Project registered as a 501c3. Once that happens you can apply for grants. In those grants you are allowed and expected to write in admin costs to run your organization. I will continue to pray for y'all. Aldo, I'm a sociologist by degree although I teach special Ed now. I hope you continue to blog and vent. It's very important for your mental health. Keep working like you are. I watch you. You are doing great. Ginny and I are here for you. Believe me we get it. Me, Ginny and my husband do all the scared Sidless events ourselves with help we beg for. You will make it. God is here for you.
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