Today started off kind of rough.
I got up to go on my first walk of the day. It was quiet and cold in the studio, and I was still kind of dealing with the stress of yesterday but I told myself I was going to stay positive. This was not the worst thing that has happened to us, and somehow we would figure it all out.
I went into the bathroom and changed into my walking clothes and brushed my teeth. I washed my face and decided I probably should pee before I started heading out into the land of no potties. And then I flushed the toilet and the toilet exploded.
Water was going EVERYWHERE. And now I was fully awake, and so was Levi.
Luckily, Levi is very resourceful when it comes to toilets (apparently) and was able to stop the water from flowing with a rubber band, and I laid all our towels on the floor and took a trip to Wal-Mart to get a toilet snake.
He got it unclogged, and I got the kids and I ready for a homeschooling shin-dig we had all been excited to go to. I was determined that something good had to happen today, and this party would be it.
So we went.
And it was great.
The kids got to meet other kids, and I got to meet other moms.
Some of us even talked about the children we had lost (this totally coming as a surprise...like it is not a bereaved parent homeschooling group).
It was just nice.
Then I came home and napped, because I was exhausted.
After my nap, I washed clothes and became lost in a daydream and decided to contact hotels about our big walk and asked if it started next week if any of the could help.
While I would love to remain optimistic about all of this, I am feeling pretty doubtful that any of them will actually come through...
But you never know until you try.
What is most upsetting about all of this is the timing.
In just a few weeks it will be one year since we lost Elijah and I have no idea where we are going to be on that day or how I am going to have peace of mind.
And while today was so great at the homeschooling party, there were babies everywhere and I had to fight pretty hard to hold back my tears to enjoy their sweet smiles.
I feel awful because I can't even imagine what he would look like now.
He will always be that chubby little 3 month old baby to me...
Blah....just continue to pray and be supportive.
I know a lot of people have suggested us move back to Louisiana, and I want you to know that we have not made any sort of decision on that just yet, and that it is a very hard decision to make. So please be patient with us as we kind of find our way in all this mess.
And as always...pray for my sweet Elijah. <3
It would be so easy to give up.
Easy is an understatement.
But then what?
Where would we go from there?
Oh sweet boy, I'm asking you like you have all the answers.
I'm your momma, and mommas are supposed to have the answers right?
Well this momma is just in one major funk
and needs something major to pull her out of it.
I dream big.
I may be crazy for it, but I do.
I see us walking and raising money for a house,
and somehow that would put me in a position where I could pay it forward and buy someone else a house or build an orphanage in your name or something!
I just want to do so much,
and look at me..
I can't even make ends meet for our family right now.
Sweet sweet boy...
I miss you so much,
but not as much as I love you.
You are my sunflower.
You are my boogie.
You are my Elijah.
<3
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