Flood

It is 12:47pm.

Right now I am supposed to be handing out political fliers for a local politician and getting paid $80 a day to do so.

Right now I am sitting at my desk at the studio on the verge of a mental breakdown listening to angsty 90's music.

It's not that I didn't chose to work.

I specifically told my new manager at Order Up that I couldn't work the next 2 weekends, because I had this gig.

I drove 30 minutes to get to where I was supposed to be (and payed $6.00 in tolls so I would be on time).

And when I got to where I was told to be, I walked around the buildings and asked for help.

In the mean time I contacted the lady who got my the gig to ask where I was supposed to be...and she would call for me.

After getting treated like an idiot by people working the voter registration, I went and sat in my car and just fell apart.

The lady called me back to tell me that the campaign people were supposed to call me and tell me that they moved, and she was no longer part of that campaign because they are so disorganized. She was so kind and apologetic, but when I got off the phone with her I just lost it more.

I can't tell you how badly I needed this money. How much I am on the edge of losing what little we have left...and how I am trying so very hard to do what I can to support my family.

 And then I started to get so mad at myself for already being so upset over some stupid Facebook post I had posted on Trump going to Louisiana.

It was meant to be a lighthearted post saying how much I hope other politicians would come to help too and show him up. I even stated in the original posting that it was not meant to be political...but then it turned into a political post...and quite frankly I took it too personally.

But it was personal to me. And even thought I am probably the nicest person you will meet, I do stand firm on compassion and kindness, and there are somethings I see very differently than other people.

I'm not going to get into it, because it has already brought me a stupid amount of stress this morning--and only because I let it.

I really can't let it anymore today.

I just can't explain how this flood has caused grief to come back and causes such anxiety for me as I see my family and friends lose their home and I can't do anything because I have no money and no home and I have lost the most important thing to me.

I have family there who have to rebuild their homes. It is the place where I had Elijah. It is the place where my grandparents lived and I would visit. It means something to me.

I feel absolutely helpless and I would give ANYTHING to be the one who could help and could make a difference and it was such an innocent post because I was glad to see someone trying.

I don't know...I often say I live in a world of unicorns and rainbows.

It is hard living here. Maybe that is why we don't see many unicorns :(

Anyways, like I said I have to stop stressing about this.

And now I have to figure out a way to pay my bills when here I was thinking I was going to get ahead.

I am just having a crappy day.

I am so tired of crappy days.

I need to go do something about Lunch, and then I will probably walk all afternoon or something.

I just can't sit here, because my anxiety is off the charts and I don't know what to do.

I see the world in a different way now.

If I could help every single person, I would.

Because every single person matters.

Every life is important.

You were important.

These first moments of your life were spent in Baton Rouge.

It was the closest thing to home that you ever had.

And maybe that is why this stupid flood is tearing me apart.

I love and miss you so much.

<3