I packed 1/2 a box today at the studio today; and then I lost it.
I couldn't stop crying or shaking.
It hurts.
It hurts to fail.
It hurts to see all my dreams of helping people go into boxes.
It just sucks. I don't have anyway of sugar coating that.
I should have started in the back of the studio...which is what I will have to do tomorrow if I actually want to get us out of here on time. Because it is going to kill me when I get back to this front room and I have to take down all my little reminders of Elijah, and my signs that say "Believe you can and you will," or "Dream. Wish. Do."
I know that this is not the definite end of everything I have worked for, but I really was excited to open back up in October and was really hoping to help people.
But I have to just pack my boxes and move forward--because that is all I can really do right now.
I haven't really talked about it much, but a few days ago I started to write a 365 day companion book for newly bereaved mothers. Starting from the very beginning with things like, "This is not your fault," and the funeral preparations along with the early effects of grief. Then it kind of moves through the stages of grief, things I wish people had told me, finding support, writing prompts, coloring pages, and quotes, stories and letters from other bereaved mothers.
My ultimate goal is to be able to get it published, or to self publish it and add it to the services Love, Elijah has to offer and then we can donate copies to hospices, hospitals, and to families who have lost their children. It will also be available for sale to the public, but I am hoping to be able to get grants to cover the cost of donating the books too.
Right now I am just picking the 365 themes and trying to plan the days first and then come back and plug in the information and stories. So it will take some time, but I think with a little effort and a lot of love, it will be a really nice thing to have and hold in such a dark moment.
If you are a bereaved parent and want to help, shoot me a message on Facebook, Instagram, or email me at loveelijah0605@gmail.com
I don't have any deadlines yet, but I do need the stories and letters to fit on one page, because this is already going to be 365 pages long before forwards, and introductions are added.
Anyways, I watched this video today when searching for helpful videos and little resources to share in my book, and I think I can see how the second year of child loss can be harder than the first:
She talks about how in the first year there is still this weird hope we have that this is all some sort of dream, and our children are coming back. And the second year is when reality really sets in that they are not.
I think I am beginning to feel that reality set in, and I agree, it is almost worst than those first moments.
There is no more shock and horror, but the longing for him is much stronger. The cold and harsh truth is settling into my heart and it is gut wrenching.
It is not that I don't want to move forward. It is not that I don't want to be positive. Believe me, with all that we have been through, I don't know how I peel myself out of bed somedays. I am pretty damn positive...lol.
If it weren't for my passion to keep Elijah's legacy alive, I could very easily crumble under all the stress and heartache I am feeling.
I'm not saying this for your pity. I am just saying it because this first year is almost over, but it was just a tiny step in this GIANT journey I have ahead of me on my way back to Elijah. And this is something most grieving parents will go through.
This is my reality.
ANYways...I just got back from a couple hours of working for Order Up, and I am super thirsty and tired, and tomorrow I have a lot of packing to do, and I can't be the procrastinator I want to be. I have to get it done.
Just keep praying...
Pray for our world. Pray for my family. Pray for me. And always always, pray for my Elijah.
Thank you.
Oh sweet boy.
I don't know how this year has slipped by so quickly
when it feels like and eternity since the last time I held you.
But I guess every moment is a moment closer to you.
I just miss you so much.
I don't even think there are words that can describe how much I miss you.
But I will always love you more than I miss you.
Always.
Good night sweet boy.
<3
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