366: I Didn't Have The Time.

It is 10:17pm.

I don't know where to begin.

I think today has been worst for me than yesterday.

"I didn't have the time."

This has to be the most insensitive excuses I received today in response to a post I made about Levi and I feeling like not enough people cared about Elijah's first anniversary of being in Heaven.

No time?

How long does it take to type out the words, "I am thinking of you today."

Probably less time than it takes to stand in front of a mirror and post a selfie.

Another one that really hurt my feelings was, "I didn't know what to say."

How many times have I said over and over again that I am furious with the people in my life that have said nothing to me.

Besides, I gave easy instructions on how to help: writing his name and sharing it. And I had more complete strangers do this for me then people who are supposed to be friends and family.

And yes, maybe I am being selfish to ask so much of people....I guess that is a flaw of mine.

But you really don't have the right to tell me how I should feel about you ignoring me and my family on the anniversary of the worst day of our lives.

The best thing for you to have done today would have been to say sorry and fix it. And I did have many people do this and share pictures or messages with me, and I truly appreciate you stepping forward even when I was so angry. Like seriously, thank you for being a big person and doing that.

Anyways, what is the saying?

Oh yes.

And I am sorry for being so blunt and so negative, but this really destroyed me yesterday, and today.

I don't think that people realize how much losing Elijah has impacted our lives. I don't guess they get it. 

And I don't want them to ever feel the pain we have felt, but my main concern is do we all really treat each other like this? Like are we really all this numb to each other's pain? Surely compassion is not dead....

I am sure I have missed some of your special days and anniversaries, and please know that today I am feeling really guilty over these hypothetical circumstances, and I am so sorry if I have not stepped up to the plate when you needed kind words the most. 

But please know that if I see you having a hard time, I try my best to react. 

Blah....I am feeling so much guilt and anger right now, but please know that I try my best to support people I care about and let them know that they are loved, and that this blog is not really an attack on anyone in particular--it is just me blowing off steam. 

But I did feel failed yesterday, and I can't apologize for that.

Just please, try to be more aware of the pain others are going through. Let them know that you are thinking about them...even if you have been ignored before. Two wrongs don't make a right. 

If you can take the time to tell people "Happy Birthday" on their special days, then you can take the time to say, "I'm thinking about you" on the hard days. 

That is all it takes. 

I will try harder to be more supportive where I can, all I ask is you do the same.

Thanks.

Please continue to pray for our world. Pray for my family. Pray for me. And always pray for my sweet Elijah.

Elijah, I only care so much about this, but I care so much about you.

I miss you so much my boogie.

I love you even more.