Tonight was slow at work, which is good and bad.
It is good, because I get to sit and write on my story when it is slow and am still guaranteed to make $10 an hour.
It is bad because I am only making $10 an hour--which I guess is more than some people make so I guess it is not really that bad.
But anyways, if you follow me on Facebook or Instagram you may remember a couple of weeks ago when I went for a delivery and the restaurant gave me a cookie, and the house that I delivered it to had sunflowers on the door. I was so sure it was a sign from Elijah and it really made me so happy.
Well, tonight I got another delivery from that same restaurant, and they gave me another cookie. I was kind of bummed, because I really wanted to believe that the last time I got a cookie, it had something to do with Elijah. I wanted to believe it was a sign from him. But when I got to the house, there were no sunflowers to be found and no signs of Elijah. So I started searching for something to still give me hope, and I noticed I had a Facebook notification, so I swiped my screen and saw this from my sister in law:
A sunflower. <3
And not only a sunflower, but a sunflower with Elijah's name on it.
Perfectly timed to bring me a little bit of hope.
I can't tell you how much I needed this little sign. Today I have just been feeling very guilty about a lot of things.
I had never really planned to have more children, but I was open to the idea if God gave me more I would be happy to have them. But after losing Elijah, we made a definite choice not to have anymore children. And it has honestly been super hard on me. I don't know how to explain it, but it is just a nonstop cycle of sadness and guilt and I hate it. Especially because I feel like I should be focusing more on Elijah's Angelversary coming up, and not the longing to hold another baby. (And it is not like we are in any position to bring another child into this world anyway.)
I also have been forgetting to take it one day at a time, and keep thinking about the future and all the experiences I will never have with him, and how September 10th should just be another day and now it is this day that I will always remember as the day Elijah was taken away from us.
Needless to say, it has just been an emotional week.
And THEN NPR almost killed me today when there was a story about a Chinese man and his son who never spoke to each other because they had moved to America and the son never learned Chinese and the father never learned English. But the father had to move back to China when the boy was 14 and he wrote his son a letter, which the first time he had ever really talked to his son. The son kept the letter and read it over and over and when he went to college he finally learned how to speak enough Chinese to write his dad a letter and then record himself reading it. They spoke on the phone for the first time through a translator after the father heard the letter. And I was sitting in my car with tears just pouring. (Even though I think every one who heard this story had to have cried.)
But it was like I needed that cry. I needed the release. Just like I needed that picture of a sunflower.
I'm sorry if I am all over the place, but I am really tired.
Time for some sleep.
Please keep praying. Pray for our world. Pray for my family. Pray for me. And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.
Hi my little sunflower.
Hi my sweet boy.
Thank you for my cookie.
Thank you for showing me you are there.
I love and miss you more than you could ever imagine.
I don't know how we have made it this far,
and I have no idea how we are going to make it through the next few days.
Just stay close.
We love you Elijah.
<3
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