389: How it Felt

It is 9:39pm.

Today's Capture Your Grief theme was "How it Felt."

This is the photo I shared and what I had to say:

Day Three: What it Felt Like.

Alone. Naked. Small. Stripped of all color. No control. No say so. Traumatised. Lost. Scared. Heartbroken. Angry. Sad. Longing. Missing him. Missing me. 

I don't really know if there are enough words or an emotion that can really describe how I felt the day Elijah died.

My body was just as wrecked as my heart and soul. I physically went into shock. I could not eat. I would have panic attacks that caused me to throw up. I felt heavy and ill. Anxiety lingered over me like a dark scary cloud constantly. 

Later I developed stomach ulcers from the stress of trying to reenter the "real world" and just trying to go back to work. Nothing was the same. My body knew just as much as my heart and head that there was a piece of me missing.

Every single millisecond. Every moment of the day. I know he is missing and it consumes everything I do. 

There is no worst feeling that could ever be felt.

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Today was another slow day in small town Louisiana. 

I homeschooled the boys and made my little sunflower acorn tops into christmas ornaments. I cleaned up Granny's kitchen and reheated some spaghetti. And this evening Levi and I went on a walk.

The most exciting moment of my day was to take that picture of myself for the Capture Your Grief project. I walked out in the middle of the woods, stripped down under a towel and then set my camera timer. 

Then as boldly and bravely as I could, I took a nude photo of myself. I did it because I could not imagine any other image being powerful enough to describe how it felt to have everything stripped away from me when Elijah passed. 

Thank God for Instagram filters and edits lol so I could make it less visible and less obvious. I really didn't want the focus to be on my naked body as so much as how it felt to have the color sucked out of my life.

Sorry to be so melodramatic, but it is important to talk about grief for what it is. 

I am actually ok and today has not been a bad day.

I am proud of myself for being somewhat bold.

Please keep praying for our world. Pray for my family. Pray for me. And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.

Thank you.

Hi sweet boy.

Hi my sunflower.

Hi my Elijah.

Tonight your dad and I were talking about your silly brothers and their bad habits.

Your dad wondered what you would be like.

I said I bet you would be just as bad as the others lol.

We all love and miss you so much.

<3